


After All This Time

by leftmywingshome



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Damn Romance Novel, F/M, First Heartbreak, First Love, Romance, bethyl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-10-24 04:32:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 23,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10734183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leftmywingshome/pseuds/leftmywingshome
Summary: Beth Greene is sixteen years old and Daryl loves her, but he isn’t supposed to love her like he does.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N Thank you so much Ultimate Bethyl Fic List and the readers there who voted for my story! This story received first place in the “Keep Reminding Me” contest. I appreciate all the love! I was in good company! The Bethyl fandom has some amazing talent!

 

_ The sky was the kind of blue that you could only find on a beautiful spring day in Georgia. Deep denim blue, like a worn pair of jeans. Beth ran through the tall grass, hands out brushing the fuzzy tops. She flipped her blonde hair and laughed over her shoulder at Daryl as he followed behind. Something didn’t feel right though, slowing down, she glanced back again. Daryl wasn’t smiling, he wasn’t chasing after her pretending she was too fast for him to catch. He wasn’t trying to outwit her and circle around so he could wrap his arms around her and tumble them both down into the grass, his hands in her hair, her lips on his neck. No. In fact, his head was down watching his boots and his shoulders sagged as he made his way through the grass, ripping the fuzzy, golden heads off and letting them fall. _

 

_ She stopped, turned away from him and bit her lip hard enough to draw blood. She knew what was coming. Her knees hit the dirt. And she smelled the sharp tang of the broken stems as she sank down into the grass and closed her eyes. She was wishing with everything in her that when she opened them this would all be a bad dream. _

 

_ His footsteps came to her before he did. His shadow followed the soft rustle of grass against his jeans, falling over her where she knelt. _

 

_ “Beth.” His voice was soft and filled with sadness. She never wanted to hear him say her name that way. It sounded too much like goodbye. And Beth Greene didn’t say goodbye. _

 

_ “Don’t.” One word. The only one that made sense right now. She felt her chest tighten and tears ached at the back of her throat as he knelt beside her. She could get up and run, refuse to listen to whatever weak excuse he had to offer. But she couldn’t make her legs move like they needed to.   _

 

_ “Come on Beth, please..” His voice cracked and she felt hot tears on her cheeks. Her hands lay limp in her lap. She tried to force herself not to look at his hands, palms flat against his jeans, fingers gripping his thighs. Her hands belonged in his, they fit like a key in a lock, a piece of a puzzle, only his, only hers. _

 

_ “ ‘S gotta be this way, Beth.” He wasn’t very convincing and that’s what gave her the courage to try and fight it. She reached out and grabbed his hand and yanked his arm so he would look at her. _

 

_ “Why Daryl? Why's it gotta be this way?” She sounded like little girl pleading with him. And wasn’t that the problem? “You said you loved me.” The pleading turned into quiet sobs and she gave up fighting it. _

 

_ “I do love ya. I love ya more than I ever loved anythin’ in my whole life, Beth. But it ain’t right.” He scrubbed at his eyes with the hand she wasn’t holding and she heard the rush of breath that was forced from his lungs as he tried to keep hold of his emotions. It wasn’t working though. His eyes glistened with tears he was trying not to let fall. _

 

_ “It ain’t right to break my heart. Not if you love me.” She whispered this as she moved his hand back to his thigh and tucked her own under her knees.  _

 

_ “Yer sixteen years old! Fuck, Beth, I’m almost ten years older.. and ya got yer whole life ahead of ya…” Lame excuse. She’d heard it before, he’d used it more than once. Was it valid? Probably. To some degree. But try telling her heart that. _

 

_ “It doesn’t matter!” She said it even though she knew it was an outright lie. It did matter. It mattered to him. It mattered a lot. _

 

_ “What would yer daddy say? And Shawn-” _

 

_ “Shawn’s your friend. And my daddy’s too busy watching my momma die.” She startled when he grabbed her upper arm. His grip was so tight it hurt. _

 

_ “Don’t ya say that!” He didn’t try to hide his tears any longer. He looked her full in the face with those beautiful blue eyes that, for the first time in all her sixteen years, had made her believe that there was still good in her broken world. _

 

_ “Go away. Leave me be.” She jerked her arm out of his grasp and wrapped her fingers around the ache left there. “Just go if that’s what you want.” She scooted away from him, brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. “Go on, leave. LEAVE!” Her knees were wet with tears and her nose was running and although she didn’t look back she could feel him leaving, walking away. That was the first time she heard Daryl Dixon cry. _

 

_ ~ _

 

_ Sometime later when the sun had crossed the sky and headed for bed, she heard the grass rustle and for a minute there was a quickening in her heart. But the sound of her brother’s voice and a sharp pain in her chest cut that short. _

 

_ “Beth? Come on home, it’s gonna be okay. You’ll see. Daryl’s a good guy, it's jus’, it can’t be like that, can’t be you and him…” Wait, what? Beth looked up at her brother's tanned face, at his white t-shirt stained with the day’s dust and she stood and faced him. _

 

_ “You, you made him go, you…” Her hands were small against his chest, but she was stronger than anyone gave her credit for. Except Daryl. He knew she was strong. Never let her forget it. Always kept reminding her. So when she pushed Shawn he stumbled, didn’t quite fall, but almost. And then she was on him, yanking at his hair and scratching whatever skin she could get her hands on. _

 

_ “Dammit, Beth.. stop!” He fought her enough to get her off of him, but he didn’t hurt her. Not physically. His baby sister was his responsibility to protect. _

 

_ “You made him leave! I hate you! How could you? He’s, I love him and you sent him away! Let go of me!” She scratched and even bit him until he let her go and she ran away. When her legs refused to go any further she curled up in the grass that was still warm from the sun and closed her eyes. Wishing didn’t change anything. Daryl was gone. _

 

_ ~ _

 

Leaving had been the easy part. He knew that having feelings for sixteen-year-old Beth Greene wasn’t okay, not at all. But he didn’t regret loving her. That love was innocent, it had been from the first time he met her when he and Shawn became friends in the 10th grade. 

 

But it had been changing over the years and it had changed tremendously those last few months. Shawn spent some time working out of town and Hershel was dealing with Annette and her cancer so Daryl had taken on the responsibility of the farm, helping Maggie and Beth keep things going. No one had asked him to do it, he just did. Because these people had done so much for him. 

 

Beth needed an outlet for her sadness, watching her momma battle cancer was tearing her apart. She was right by Daryl’s side helping with everything. He was medicine for her soul as much as she was for his. That innocent love that he felt started to grow and she felt it too and although she had been ready to grab it and hold on tight, he knew that it couldn’t be. Leaving was the easy part, living was a completely different story.

 

He’d left and taken Merle with him. They’d headed to northern Colorado and worked on an oil rig for a while. They met a guy from California and ended up going out there. Daryl got in at a motorcycle shop and found out he was really good with bikes. Merle, of course, got into some trouble and it turned out that he had violated his parole by leaving Georgia, something he conveniently forgot to tell his little brother. He got shipped back to Reidsville to do time in Georgia State Prison, but Daryl stayed in California. He didn’t dwell on the fact that the little beach town reminded him of Beth or that the ocean was sometimes the color of her eyes. He took classes at a trade school and moved forward with his career. 

 

He’d cut off all contact with Shawn when he left. He didn’t want to know what was going on with the family or hear anything about Beth. It was just better that way. At least that’s what he told himself. He told himself a lot of things that were absolute bullshit.

 

But Beth never left his head or heart. One night after drinking too much he ended up in a tattoo shop and walked out with Beth’s name tattooed on the inside of his bicep. A tiny little script tattoo. Not a reminder, he didn’t need that. So many things reminded him of her and those memories never stopped hurting. He took it as his penance. Afterall he had hurt her too. 

 

It’s been nine years since Daryl Dixon crossed the Georgia state line and if he’s being honest with himself he knew when he left it wasn’t gonna be forever, even though that’s what he told himself. 

 

He’s back. Merle’s getting out of prison and they have loose ends to tie up with their father’s property and it’s not a motel he checks into when he gets there. It’s an apartment. His apartment, with a lease. He even has a job lined up. Because it was bullshit to think he’d go the rest of his life just carrying her around in his heart. 

 

What he didn’t know is while he was out there not really living she was back here fighting just to stay alive.

 

~

 

Daryl runs into Rick at the little grocery store in town and Rick smiles when he sees him. Oddly enough they'd become friends. Although in the beginning, Rick spent a lot of time busting Merle or helping the Deputy Sheriff at the time bust, Merle. Daryl respects Rick, always has.

 

“Hey man, you're back,” Rick shakes his hand and he can see the difference that nine years have made. Just like him, Rick has a few lines on his face and some grey in his 5 o'clock shadow.

 

“Merle’s gettin’ out and we got to take care of my dad’s property.” Daryl glances at the items in Rick’s cart and notices diapers. But Rick’s saying something and Daryl turns his attention back to him.

 

“So you aren’t here for Shawn’s funeral?” Daryl just stares at him, all the breath gone from his lungs, pushed out by the shock of what Rick said. 

 

“I didn’ know, didn’ hear..” Of course, he didn't because he cut off all ties he had with this place. 

 

“He was in a car accident, hit and killed by a drunk driver. It's been pretty tough on the Greene family, losing Annette and then Beth-” 

 

“Beth? What the hell, what happened ta Beth, where..” He feels like the ground’s been pulled out from underneath him. Rick must have seen something on his face because he has his hand on Daryl's arm, holding on to him.

 

“She tried to kill herself, not long after Annette passed, a couple months before the end of her senior year. Daryl, you haven't talked to anyone since you left?” Rick asks him. Shaking his head, he tries to steady his heartbeat. 

 

“When, when did Annette die?” But he already knows, he's pretty sure he already knows where this is all going. 

 

“A couple months after you left.”

 

Fuck. That summer. He left her and then her momma died and she wasn’t okay. That guilt has always been there, but he felt like it was just because he wished he could've stayed, could've loved her like he wanted. This guilt is a whole different kind of monster. If he'd stayed, if he’d been there when her momma passed, maybe.

 

“When's the funeral?” He’s here now and it's probably too late cause he’s sure she must hate him, but he’s gonna try. Exactly what he isn't sure yet. He just knows he came back and it has more to do with her than anything else.  

 

~

 

Maggie’s waiting for her at the airport and Beth has no idea how her sister managed to get them to let her through security without a ticket to meet her at the gate, but she’s there and Beth drops her carry on to fall into the circle of her sister’s arms.

 

“Bethy..” Maggie is holding on so tight Beth can barely breathe, but it’s okay. It’s good.

 

“Mags.. I’m so glad I’m home. I’m never leaving again.” They’re both crying and holding on as if one or the other will disappear if they let go.

 

~

 

Life has a way of going on, even when it seems impossible. Beth eventually picked herself up and made her way back to the farmhouse that night. And life did go on, in the only way it could. But it hasn't been easy and sometimes it felt like it was downright mean. It's been a fight since she walked up the steps that night after Daryl left.

 

Annette Greene battled cancer for a couple of years before cancer came out the victor. She left this world surrounded by her family in the farmhouse where she’d lived with the man she loved and the children that meant everything to her. It was a soft, summer night. Crickets and frogs made music outside the windows, candles flickered on the bedside tables. Annette told them she was going to sleep and that they were going be okay without her. Beth crawled up on the bed beside her momma. She didn’t protest, never said a word, just laid there with her head on her momma’s chest until all the breath and heartbeats were gone. It was Maggie that coaxed her off of the bed and out into the barn before the coroner came to take Annette’s body away.

 

Beth spent the rest of the summer anywhere but in the house. She rode her horse Nellie or sat by the pond watching the ducks. She walked miles through the woods surrounding the property and read books in the loft of the barn. And only when the sun was good and gone did she make her way into the house, to her bedroom, and into bed.  Only to do the same thing the next day. 

 

She barely spoke, hardly ate, and had Maggie and Shawn up in arms at what to do with their little sister. Hershel took to drinking again and like Beth, he escaped as much as he possibly could. Maggie moved back home permanently and she and Shawn made sure the farm continued to function. 

 

One day, as summer was dwindling away into what seemed to be an early autumn, Beth just came back. That’s how it felt at least. She’d been gone, somewhere even she didn’t know, and then she was back. She was still sad. But she finally cried for her momma and she’d let Maggie take her to the tree that her momma had been laid to rest underneath. And then she cried some more. 

 

Slowly but surely life started to fall into place. Hershel was still struggling, but he started working again, taking care of the things that needed to be done. He did it side by side with Shawn and Maggie. And if anyone noticed that Beth avoided Shawn at all costs, they didn’t say a word about it. Somehow she’d gotten it into her head that when Shawn made Daryl leave, he made her momma leave too. Which was ridiculous because Annette was Shawn’s momma too and why on earth would he ever want her to go away? Beth didn’t have an answer to that and she couldn’t fathom why her momma would leave her. But this was what her broken heart whispered to her. And she believed it.

 

There were warning signs. But nobody saw them. They were trying to rebuild a life. Nobody talked about momma and not a word was said about Daryl. All they knew was Beth was back, a little different, but that was good enough for them. They should’ve looked closer, should’ve taken a good, hard, look. Beth was back, but she was broken and they didn’t realize it until it was almost too late.

 

~

 

Beth jumps out of the car and she’s halfway up the porch steps when her Daddy comes out the screen door in time to catch his youngest daughter in his arms. 

 

“I’m sorry daddy, I’m sorry I left and didn’t come back. I’m home. I’m staying, I’m..” She muffles her sobs in his chest and he smells like home and the guilt she’s been carrying all these years doubles.

 

“It’s okay Bethy. It’s okay. We’re gonna get through this. Together this time.” Beth feels Maggie's arms around her too and it helps. But it’s not enough to make up for it everything. For what she did to Shawn, for the ache of losing Daryl and then her momma, for the thin pink scar on her wrist that she hides with pretty beads. And for trying to run away from all of it. She wasn’t fast enough or maybe it just isn’t possible. But she isn’t running anymore. Daryl said she was strong, kept reminding her that she was. She forgot that for a long time. It’s time to remember.

 

~

 

The day she broke the mirror in the bathroom seems like a story someone told her, a story that lacks a lot of the details. Now she's standing on the threshold of that tiny room and it’s like looking into another person's memory. 

 

She’d put her suitcase on the bed intending to unpack, but the door to this part of her life was open just a bit and it called to her and so she went.

 

_ The mirror was a big circle, like a sun and it broke into hundreds of pieces when she hit it with her fist. _

 

Now there’s a small, square mirror framed in black hanging on the wall. 

 

_ There was blood everywhere, even on the walls.  _

 

But the soft blue paint isn’t stained, shows no trace of what happened then. 

 

_ Even as the glass had drawn a red line across her wrist she knew she didn’t really want to die. She just wanted to feel something else, something bigger. Something that would fill up the emptiness, make the sadness go away. But not her. Never her. _

 

It comes back to her now how she whispered that over and over to Maggie as the paramedics lifted her onto the gurney.

 

_ ‘I don’t wanna die, Mags, I’m sorry, I don’t wanna die.’ _

 

And she hadn’t died. She’d lived and she’d left as soon as they let their hold on her go. Her family had orbited around her like little planets and she’d tried to be the sun, but she couldn’t anymore and she just needed to leave. The doctors reassured her family that this was another step, a big step in healing. So with a suitcase and her guitar, she rode the train to Atlanta and never looked back. 

 

Beth spent four years at GSU and two years with the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra. She shared an apartment with other musicians and had a job and managed to leave her little hometown and make a life for herself after everything that had happened. But leaving and living isn’t synonymous. She realized she had, had a life. It was in another place and time and she wanted it back. Just about that time she got the call from Maggie that Shawn had been killed. She had no choice, but to go home.

 

~

 

A couple of hours later Maggie knocks on the door and then as if no time at all has passed she opens it up, walks in and flops down on Beth’s bed amidst the clothes and toiletries Beth’s been unpacking.

 

“Still don’t wait until you’re invited I see.” Beth teases her sister throwing a bag of cotton balls at her. Maggie just smirks and throws the bag back in Beth’s direction.

 

“Dinner’s ready. You gonna come down and eat?” Maggie’s searching her face and she knows there’s more her sister wants to say.

 

“Yeah, I’ll be down. Just putting a few things away.” Beth carries a stack of clothing to the dresser she grew up taking clothing out of every day, so many memories. It hurts a little but it’s also comforting.

 

“Is it hard, being here Beth? Be honest.” She hears Maggie’s voice behind her but she doesn’t turn, just contemplates what her sister said. Is it hard? It is. She came home for her brother's funeral. She should have been here. Before. Should have talked to him, told him that she forgave him. Tucking the small pile of clothing into a drawer, she goes back to her bed. 

 

Nodding her head she stares at the floor. “I should’ve been here sooner. This is my home. Now I just feel like I’m too late.” Beth shudders as Maggie's arms slide around her waist from behind and with her sister’s chin on her shoulder they cry for their brother and for all the lost time.

 

~

 

With the keys to his new place in hand, Daryl takes the few things he picked up at the store up the stairs to the bright white door with the number ‘10’ on it. This is home now. Another one. He’s had a few over the years and he wants to make this one his last one. No more running away. All of his belongings are in a trailer hitched to his truck. Rick said he’d come by this evening and help him with his furniture. Which isn’t much, a bed, a couch, a couple of tables and chairs and a bookshelf. 

 

The air inside the apartment is stale. It smells like old wood. But then the little row of brownstones are old. There used to be more of them throughout town, but these are the only ones that weren’t demolished before a buyer got ahold of them and fixed them up. Two rows of five apartments connected by their backyard fences. The minute he saw the pictures on the website he thought of Beth, even heard her voice,  _ ‘This is the most adorable place Daryl, you have to get it!’  _ She’d liked old things. Hell, she’d liked him! But twenty-five doesn't seem old at all. Not compared to thirty-four, which if he’s being honest with himself really isn’t all that old either. He puts a few things in the fridge and goes out to grab a couple of boxes from his truck.

 

There’s a girl on the sidewalk, blonde hair in a ponytail, blue jeans with rips in the knees and at first he can’t move, he’s stuck in some kind of time warp, he just stands there staring until the sound of sandals slapping on the concrete jars him from a memory. Another girl comes running up and the two of them scream and giggle and take off down the sidewalk.

 

“Ain’t her,” he mumbles under his breath. Of course, it’s not Beth. That girl couldn’t have been more than sixteen. His Beth is gonna be twenty-five in a couple of months. And it’s then that he realizes it’s May. Summer is coming. He left in May right before summer set in. Nine summers have come and gone. And she’s not his anymore.

 

~

 

Dinner is simple, just sandwiches. Hershel apologizes over and over, but Beth shakes her head.

 

“Daddy this is fine. It’s fine. I’m not very hungry anyway.” She gives him a smile that she hopes convinces him further that this is enough. 

 

“I think these sandwiches are a lot better than my cooking anyhow.” His chuckle is so familiar. It’s like his smell. It’s home and it makes her eyes tear up which of course he notices. “Ah Bethy, don’t cry honey.”

 

“It’s just, I’m home. I know.. well, I should have come sooner, but..” she is struggling to come up with something, an excuse, a reason, something to justify being gone for all those years. She doesn’t have anything.

 

“You just stop that. You did what you had to and your brother knew that.” Hershel is giving her a look, but she sees the love in his blue eyes, blue like hers. The skin around them has a few more folds and wrinkles then it did the last time she saw him.

 

“I just wish I coulda..” Beth starts. But she stops when she sees her daddy shaking his head.

 

“I won’t pretend to know what happened between you and your brother, I think it had something to do with Daryl Dixon, but Shawn knew..” he continues on for a minute, it doesn't matter though, Hershel lost her at Daryl’s name. It’s the first time anyone has said it out loud since that summer. She never spoke it unless it was in her sleep and she did dream about him, she still does.

 

“We should try to get ahold of that boy. He’d want to be here. I know he would. He and Shawn were thick as thieves,” Hershel chuckles again at some lost memory, “and you were always right there in the middle of ‘em Beth. They sure loved you, always took you with ‘em, bought you candy, and spoiled you rotten.” Beth feels the tears on her cheeks and looks desperately at Maggie before she jumps up, knocking over the chair she was sitting in.

 

“I.. I’m gonna go upstairs, I’m tired.” Her words are breathless because she’s trying so hard not to cry. She would’ve been fine, could have gotten through dinner talking about Shawn, telling stories about him, but the minute Daryl Dixon’s name was mentioned everything fell apart. Her feet on the stairs don’t drown out the voices in her head.

 

_ ‘They sure loved you..’ _

 

_ ‘I love ya more than I ever loved anythin’ in my whole life, Beth! ‘ _

 

_ ‘It ain’t right to break my heart. Not if you love me, Daryl!’ _

 

Closing her bedroom door, she leans against it, slides down until she’s sitting on the floor with her knees tucked up under her chin. She takes a shaky breath and whispers,

 

“Daryl.”

 

The last time she said his name was nine years ago out in the field on a night just like tonight.

 

~

 

Sometime later she crawled into bed and she remembers Maggie knocking on her door, peeking in on her and then leaving.

 

There’s a tapping sound and she can’t figure out what it is. Maggie already came and left. She twists in her sheets mumbling to Maggie to come in or go away. But her sister doesn’t answer and the tapping continues. 

 

~

 

_ A light like the sun shines through her window and Daryl’s standing right here in her room. He’s wearing the t-shirt and jeans he had on that night in the field, scuffed up motorcycles boots with knotted up laces and his unruly hair. She feels a smile stretch across her face, but he doesn’t return it. He’s got his head down and she can see that his face is wet. Is he crying? She tries to get out of bed, struggles with the sheets, but she’s stuck there, can’t get out. Then she realizes she’s just in another dream. They come all the time. _

 

_ ‘Daryl?! I’m here, I’m stuck, I..’ she watches as he raises his head and his sad blue eyes focus on her. _

 

_ ‘I went away cause it wasn’t right. I went away and Shawn’s dead, he’s gone. He was my best friend.’  _

 

_ Her body feels cold, frozen in place by the overwhelming guilt. This is new. He never says anything to her, just holds out his hand and she can never reach it. She watches as he looks at her sadly and then turns away. _

 

_ ‘No Daryl, wait.. don’t go! Don’t leave me! I’m sorry, I’m..” _

 

~

 

Maggie’s voice is foggy, far away like it's coming through a tunnel and she feels hands on her tugging at the sheets she got herself tangled in. Her chest aches from crying and when she finally opens her eyes Maggie is there pulling her against her telling her it's just a bad dream. Just another bad dream.

 

“Another one?” Beth whispers.

 

“Don’t you remember, you use to have them all the time. You’d wake me up crying for Daryl.”

 

She remembers the dreams. But the crying? No. She doesn’t remember that at all.

 

~

 

Rick and Daryl sit on the porch drinking a beer. They unloaded the trailer. Daryl is officially moved in. Rick teased him about not having much in the way of furniture or anything else for that matter and then invited him to check out the pile of stuff his new wife Michonne’s been hoarding in his garage.

 

“Says she hates to get rid of it, someone might be able it use it. Well, you're someone!” Rick says. “Hey, I’m sorry about Shawn. I remember you two were pretty close, you were close with the whole family. Can I ask why you didn’t keep in touch?”

 

Daryl puts out the cigarette he was smoking and fiddles with his beer bottle. He’s taken off guard by Rick’s question and it makes him uncomfortable because he can’t tell the truth, can he? Just spit it out, I was in love with sixteen-year-old Beth Greene and just had to get the fuck outta here? No, he’s not doing that. This is just between him and Beth now.

 

“I jus’ thought gettin’ Merle as far away from here as possible was best. Didn’ tell me he had an outstandin’ warrant though. By then I was living another life and figured Shawn was too.” Daryl shrugs and tries not to think about the life that Beth has been living all this time.

 

“Well, it’s good to have you back. You need to come by, see Carl and meet Judith. Michonne too and her son Andre.” Rick is smiling and Daryl almost laughs.

 

“Damn! Ya got yerself a buncha kids.” 

 

“Yeah. I guess I do. It’s good though. Michonne came around right when I needed her.” This hits Daryl right in the chest. And he drops his eyes to the ground. Remembers something Merle was always harping on him about.  _ ‘Damn kid ya acting like Atlas, like ya gotta carry the weight o’ the world on them skinny ass shoulders a’ yers.’  _  Maybe there’s a bit of truth to it, but Merle was a dumbass so he never paid any mind to the shit his older brother used to say. He knows for a fact he should have been here when Beth needed him, but he wasn’t. That’s guilt he deserves to shoulder.

 

“I’m gonna hit the sack. I gotta check in with work in the morning and go out ta the property.” Daryl reaches for Rick’s empty bottle.

 

“Yeah man. Thanks for the beer.” Rick stands up and shakes Daryl’s hand.

 

“No problem. Thanks for yer help. I’ll come by and see Carl and yer new little ass-kicker, meet yer girl too.” This is something Daryl is actually looking forward too. “Funeral’s on Saturday? At the farm right?”

 

“Yeah. I think you coming is gonna be a good thing. I bet they missed you while you were gone.” Rick says.

 

“M’ hmm..” He isn’t sure about that. His heart is aching for all that they lost, the family that gave him more than his own flesh and blood ever had. He can only hope him coming home might give them some comfort. He can’t see how, but he can hope.

 

~

 

There aren’t any curtains on the windows in his apartment and his bedroom window faces east so he’s up with the sun which isn’t uncommon. He’s an early riser by nature anyway. Even with hardly anything in the room, he likes the look of it. Two tall windows letting in the sun that make the hardwood floors glow. His closet door is open and his clothes are all hung up and his crossbow is leaning against the wall and it feels like it could be home. His thoughts drift to Beth and he wonders if she would like it here, in this little room, waking up with the sun on her face, waking up next to him.

 

“Fuckin’ stupid,” he mumbles to himself. He doesn’t have any right to imagine those things, imagine her here in his life after all this time. After what happened that night. And that hurts. But hurt, he reminds himself is good. He deserves to hurt.

 

Coffee and a granola bar is his breakfast. He snatches up a big yellow envelope off the table and heads out to his truck. First stop is a drop-off point for the trailer he rented to bring his meager belongs all the way across the country. It’s one town over and the bike garage he’ll be working at is located there too. After he takes care of business there he heads out to his dad’s property. This is the trip he’s been dreading almost as much as the impending funeral.

 

The property is located on a dirt road off the main highway, which isn’t much of a highway, that winds through the woods. Daryl realizes that as much as he once hated this place it’s really pretty out here. He pulls up in front of the worn out single-wide trailer and the memories of why he hated this place come rushing back, forcing their way into his brain and his gut. 

 

When the house they’d lived in had burned down with his mama inside it, his dad had gotten ahold of this piece of property. It had belonged to his mama, her daddy before that. Daryl hadn’t found out until after his dad died that his mama had tried to keep the property a secret. She’d actually written up papers willing it to Daryl when he came of age, but Will Dixon was all over that in a hot second and took over ownership and moved a piece of shit single wide trailer out here for him and a nine-year-old Daryl to live in. If living is what you call what they were doing. It was a nightmare and Daryl had the scars as a reminder. 

 

Shaking himself he pushes the memories to the back of his mind where he likes them to stay and gets out of the truck. He’d paid a guy to keep the grass and weeds at bay and to put any mail inside the trailer. The guy had obviously done his job. Everything was tidy on the outside. But the place was still a run down pile of shit that Daryl would love to demolish with his own two hands. Climbing the rickety staircase to the front door he steps inside.

 

He’d expected it to be harder, being here in this awful space that he’d done his best to put behind him. But it seems that whatever he felt out there in the truck was it, the worst of it anyway. Now he just feels a sense of loss for all of it, his right to a happy childhood, losing his mama and being the victim of a monster who was supposed to protect him. The monster is gone though and he’s a man now and he’s hoping he can put all this shit to rest.

 

There is a small stack of aged envelopes on an old metal table and Daryl picks them up and flips through them. There isn’t anything of interest until one letter catches his eye. It’s addressed to him and the return address is the farm. The postmark is four years old. Daryl’s heart is pounding and the letter seems to vibrate in his hand as he heads back outside to his truck. A bottle of whiskey in the glove compartment is his coping mechanism for times like these. Some people may say that’s a problem, but it’s his problem and it’s better than turning to crystal meth like Merle did. He takes a couple of long swallows and opens the envelope.

 

_ Hey Daryl, _

 

_ I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for a while now. I don’t know if you have any contact with anyone back here, I would guess not because I think if you’d known what’s going on you’d have come back. _

 

_ Well, momma died. I’m sure you knew that was coming. The cancer was just too much for her. It was hard, but she’s not suffering anymore. Beth didn’t take it so well. In fact, that whole summer after you left she wasn’t in a good place. I didn’t put two and two together until after we almost lost Beth too. She cut her wrist. I found her. But she didn’t want to die. I think she was just so sad that she didn’t know what to do and we didn’t see her sadness or we just didn’t look close enough. Shawn told me everything that was going on and why you left. Honestly, I knew you loved my little sister even before that. All a person had to do was watch you, the way you looked at her and protected her. Even from yourself. I respect your decision to leave. Beth was too young for what you both were feeling. You did the right thing, no the honorable thing, by letting her grow up and figure out who she was.  _

 

_ Beth isn’t that little girl anymore Daryl, and I don’t think she’s ever gonna stop loving you and I won’t pretend to understand anything about love, but maybe people are meant for each other. Maybe this is some kinda destiny. I don’t know. All I do know is that my beautiful baby sister ran away from everything, but she can’t run away from her heart. She’s had dreams about you since you left, still has them cause I visit her in Atlanta a couple times a month and it’s like she’s sixteen again, tossing and turning in her bed whispering your name and begging you not to go. _

 

_ I wasn’t gonna do this. I wasn’t gonna but in and maybe it's stupid and maybe you've moved on and have a whole new life, but I remember your face when you’d watch her and I bet you don’t even need a reminder. She’s here though. And maybe you’re both running in the wrong direction if that’s what you're doing. I’m sorry for butting in. Shawn knows I’m doing it and he said I was crazy, but he never told me not to so if you love our baby sister please think about coming home.  _

 

_ Love, _

 

_ Maggie _

 

_ Here’s my cell # in case you want to call 770-571-2029 _

 

~

 

Daryl’s hand is shaking and the edge of the paper is crumpled in his fist. Four years. Would he have come back if he’d read this letter four years ago? They were giving him their blessing. They were giving him everything he ever fucking wanted. He takes up the bottle of whiskey again and almost drains it before he’s choking on the tears he’s been holding back. Raising his arm, he flings the bottle at the trailer and it smashes against the metal siding, glass glittering in the sun as it scatters. The letter is still there in his hand, he drags a hand across his wet face and pulls out his cell phone. He’s gonna try.

 

~

 

Beth spends the day helping her daddy with chores on the farm. She watches the way he works, how his body moves slower now and how he calls to her for help with things he used to do all on his own. Things daddies did because they were bigger and stronger and superheroes in their little girl's eyes. He tells her he’s gonna hire a farm hand or two to permanently help out now.

 

“I used to hire temporary help during the busy months, but now, well now I think I’m gonna need more.” They’ve been mucking out the stalls. The horses are all new to Beth. Her old mare Nellie died a couple years back and Hershel has always loved horses so he keeps a few and still manages to ride a little.

 

“Daddy, I’m back and Maggie is in town. We can help too.” Beth came back for this. The farm and her family and the life that does matter even if some of the people who used to share it are gone.

 

“You girls have to have your own lives. Besides, I did not pay for a college education for you just to have you working back here young lady. Maggie told you about that school they got over in Peachtree, musical prodigies and some not so musically inclined looking for a gifted teacher.” He’s spreading hay in one of the stalls and it smells sweet and brings back so many memories. 

 

“Uh huh, I’m gonna apply. But I can work here too.” She’s distracted by the smell of the past and the ladder that leads to the loft. “I’m gonna work on the loft.” She calls over her shoulder as she climbs the rungs and she hears him chuckle.

 

“You always did like hiding up there.”

 

She feels a warm blush spread across her face. It’s true she was always in the loft reading or daydreaming, sometimes even sleeping on a warm summer night. But that’s not what’s pulling her up there. It’s another memory, one she hasn’t revisited in years. Soft sunlight is coming through the open hay door. Two new bales are waiting to be spread over the floor and she takes the small knife from her back pocket and pops the strings holding them intact. Using just her hands she separates and spreads it out, dust molecules sparkling in the sunlight, the sweet, musty, smell taking her back... 

 

~

 

_ Daryl had followed her up here, said he wanted to see what all the fuss was, why she hung out in a barn that smelled like horses and shit. She’d laughed and spread a quilt over the hay in a patch of sunlight. _

 

_ “Lay here, right here in the sun Daryl and close your eyes.” He’d eyed her suspiciously, but he’d done it. Stretched out, head resting on his folded arms, feet crossed at the ankles. It had taken her breath away. She had curled up beside him, against him and rested her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat, hearing his breath catch. She was sure he was gonna push her away, put distance between them like he always did when it came down to moments like this. And those moments came like clockwork now. _

 

_ But he’d surprised her by rolling her over onto her back and going with her, half his body resting on top of hers, his eyes catching her’s and not letting go. With one finger he tucked her hair behind her ear and traced her bottom lip.  _

 

_ “Beth.” He’d whispered her name like a prayer and before she could respond his lips were on hers, soft and warm and it wasn’t fireworks she saw, no nothing like that. It was blue skies and fluffy white clouds and a field that went on forever and she’d sighed, slipped her hands in his hair and opened her mouth against his, felt his hand slide to the small of her back and hold her, the other cupped her face and he pulled away and looked at her, just looked. She counted the beats of her heart and his cause they were beating in unison and when she got to twenty he rested his forehead against hers. _

 

_ “I love ya Beth, I shouldn’t love ya like this, but I do, I love ya.” It was her breath that caught then and she didn’t know if it was possible for a person to feel so much all at once and not have any idea what to do with that. _

 

_ “You can, you can Daryl because I love you too. I love you, I do.” And then she was giggling and crying and Daryl just looked at her completely confused so she did the only thing she could think of, she kissed him again. _

 

~

 

In this loft on a day in late spring all those years ago, Daryl Dixon had given her her first kiss and told her he loved her and everything else in her world might have been falling apart, but right then, in that moment this one thing was right, it was perfect and her heart was his.

 

“Bethy I’m going up to the house, you okay up there?” Her daddy’s voice broke her from her musing and she wipes away the tears that silently made tracks down her cheeks.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just about done here.” She looks around for the quilt, knowing it won’t be here anymore. Sinking to her knees in the newly spread hay she covers her face with her hands and cries for that girl in the hay that had held so much hope for what could have been. And she cries for him. Because she misses him. Still.

 

~

 

Daryl knew it was her the minute he heard the southern drawl in her hello. Maggie Greene.

 

“Maggie, it’s uh, it’s Daryl,” he stammers. When he gets no response his anxiety kicks into high gear. “Hello?”

 

“Daryl?”

 

“Yeah I uh, I got yer letter. Can ya meet me somewhere?”

 

He’s sitting in a bar and grill that specializes in pizza being eyed by a young Asian man when Maggie walks in. She hasn’t changed much, just looks a little older, a little more mature, but when she sees him she smiles like she’s seeing her best friend and she comes running over to him and throws her arms around him.

 

“Daryl.. you’re here! I can’t believe it. We were just saying we needed to call, let you know..” Her face darkens and she steps back and looks at him.

 

“Ya I know, saw Rick. Didn’t know til I got here though..” He fidgets uncomfortably, unsure of what to say. “M’ sorry for yer loss Maggie.”

 

“Thanks, Daryl.” Her hand is on his arm. Well, she isn’t here to kick his ass so that’s good. “Let’s sit.”

 

The Asian man who has been watching him since he came in walks over to their table.

 

“Maggie?” He has a hand on the small of Maggie's back and she leans into him.

 

“Hey, Glenn. This Is Daryl. Daryl this is my fiance Glenn.” Glenn holds out his hand and shakes Daryl’s. He smiles and Daryl notes that the guy has a kind face. 

 

“Yeah I recognized him from the pictures,” Glenn says. Pictures? Daryl must have given Maggie a funny look because she quickly explains.

 

“For the funeral. Glenn made a DVD. We included pictures of you, I hope that’s okay. Shawn would have wanted that and daddy insisted.” Maggie smiles again and Daryl sees a little of Beth in that smile. He makes a noise in the back of his throat and nods.

 

“What can I get you to drink Daryl?” Glenn asks. Daryl is still buzzed from the whiskey he drank way too much of, but he thinks that he’s probably gonna need something else to get through this.

 

“Beer, Guinness if ya got it.” 

 

“Sure. Maggie the usual?” She nods and gives him a smile. Then he takes off leaving them alone.

 

“So the letter..” Maggie begins.

 

“Ya, not everything made it ta the P.O. box and I never got all the mail anyway. M’ sorry. I…” This is harder than he thought it was gonna be because he’s feeling things here that he isn’t prepared for. It’s not just about Beth either. It’s everything the Greenes were to him and he suddenly feels like he betrayed them all by leaving. He left his best friend. He left Hershel and Annette, fuck he never even said goodbye to Annette. And now Maggie is sitting here looking at him and smiling at him and he doesn’t deserve this. “I wish I woulda got it.”

 

“She’s okay Daryl. And I want to thank you for what you did. It had to be hard just leaving like that.” Glenn sits their drinks on the table and Daryl is struggling with everything. She’s sitting there so calm and nothing seems to matter, and suddenly Daryl can’t just sit there and nod.

 

“How can ya thank me?! Fuck, her world fell apart and she, she tried, if I’da stayed and just stopped what was happenin’ between us, maybe things’d be different, maybe..” Maybe he could have what? Been her friend. He doesn’t know what he could have done all he knows is that she was hurting so bad she tried to end it and he knows for a fact he was part of the reason. And living with that is killing him. Maggie’s eyes are hard, but there are tears there, glistening making her look anything, but angry.

 

“It ain’t your fault Daryl. You don’t know if anything would have changed by staying and I ain’t gonna let you blame yourself! You did what you felt was right. That counts for something.” But does it? Does it really count for what happened?

“She was hurtin’..” he ducks his head and rests it on his arms that are folded on the table and he tries to slow his breathing because he doesn’t want to start bawling here in the middle of Maggie’s finances restaurant.

 

“I should have seen that. We should have, daddy, Shawn... I should have seen that something wasn’t right and I should have done something. I knew by then what happened with you and I knew she was hurting for all kinds of reasons, but she started acting mostly like herself so I just ignored the other.” Maggie wipes the tears from her cheeks and takes a drink of whatever crazy cocktail Glenn brought her and she looks pointedly at Daryl.

 

“It’s over, it happened. It was a long time ago Daryl. She’s not sixteen anymore. She’s a beautiful young woman and the boy that ran away with her heart all those years ago is sitting right across from me. She’s here, at the farm. You gonna give it back to her Dixon? You’re the only one who can.”

 

Ah fuck.

 

~

 

Saturday morning comes even though Beth isn’t ready. She’s safe and comfortable in her bed where her momma read her countless fairy tales and her daddy tucked her in and it’s safe here. But being grown-up means that not everything is safe anymore, or at least you are burdened with the knowledge that your cocoon of childhood was really just one big lie. Stretching she pushes back the sheets and peeks out the window. It’s a beautiful day and her big brother would have loved a day like today. He would have been up doing what needed to be done. So she will too, she’ll do her best. For him, for his memory and for the plain and simple fact that she wishes she’d forgiven him and that things had been different. But then in hindsight, isn’t that always what a person whose heart is broken again thinks?

 

She takes a soft, yellow, gauzy sundress from the closet. It’s so perfect it makes her heart hurt. Beth and yellow are almost synonymous. It was and still is her signature color. Shawn used to call her Buttercup when she was a baby, her momma told her he said she reminded him of the little flowers. Whether or not that had anything to do with it becoming her favorite color is something she’ll never know, but she’d like to think that Shawn was part of the reason. When she bought the dress last summer at a little vintage shop in Atlanta, it was Daryl that she had been thinking of, he’s always teased her about her sundresses and ‘them damn cowboy boots’ she always wore. And when he’d teased her enough she slipped on her white converse and laughed when he shook his head at those too. The dress reminded her of Shawn and it reminded her of Daryl and the memories were sweet.

 

A soft knock and a creak alerted her to the fact that Maggie was coming in.

 

“Hey Mags..” Beth turned to her sister holding the dress up in front of her. Maggie didn’t say anything she just stared wide-eyed at her little sister. “Is it okay? I thought..” Beth started.

 

“It’s beautiful Beth, it’s you. Wanna see mine?” Maggie had an olive green dress draped over her arm and when she held it up it was almost the exact same style as Beth’s, only green. Maggie’s color.

 

“It’s perfect Mags! And we are so sisters!” They dressed in silence and Maggie helped Beth with the ponytail and braid she had stopped wearing years ago, but chose to wear today because Shawn would have pulled on that ponytail if he was here. Beth didn’t tell Maggie that Daryl loved the braid, the way it felt in his fingers, the little bumps a perfect pattern. And when they hid out in the loft his fingers searched out that braid like a devout Catholic did their rosary. 

 

They finished getting ready and only cried and hugged a few times.

 

“Bethy we have to let him go today, but we have each other and we’re here together and we ain’t going anywhere. I’ll marry Glenn and have nieces and nephews for you and you’ll be the music teacher that every parent wants their little genius to be taught by and we’ll take care of daddy and we’ll live as happily ever after as we can.” She held out her pinky to Beth. 

 

“But what about my boy, do I get one too?” Beth was only kind of kidding around, part of her was serious and she wants to see what Maggie said.

 

“Well, there is a boy, I guess he’s not such a boy anymore. He holds your heart and I don’t know, but I don’t think he can stay away forever.” Maggie's gaze softens as she watches her sister.

 

“Your fairy tales are almost as good as mommas were,” Beth whispers. She doesn’t want to think about what those words mean.

 

“Maggie! Hey, Maggie you up there?” Glenn’s voice drifts in through the open door and Maggie hugs Beth one more time and disappears down the hallway.

 

“I’m coming Rhee, keep your pants on!” Maggie calls out.

 

“Margaret Greene!” Beth giggles hearing her daddy's stern voice.

 

“Sorry, daddy. I didn’t know you were in here.”

 

One more thing and Beth will be ready. She digs in the back of the top drawer on her dresser and pulls out a necklace. It’s a double heart charm on a thin black leather cord. Daryl had given her the charm on her thirteenth birthday and she had teased him.

 

~

 

_ ‘These our hearts Daryl, mine and yours?’ He’d turned four shades of red and bit his lip. _

 

_ ‘Jesus Daryl, ya gotta know little girls can find hidden meanings in literally anything!’ Shawn just slapped his forehead and rolled his eyes. _

 

_ ‘I ain’t little Shawn!’ Beth punched him in the arm. _

 

_ ‘Lady in the store said it would be good, I’unno.’ He looked so upset Beth had taken pity on him. _

 

_ ‘It’s nice Daryl, I really like it. Thank you.’ That had even gotten the tiniest of smirks out of him. She, however, continued to imagine that this was definitely her’s and Daryl’s hearts, together forever. _

 

~

 

Giving herself one last once over she headed downstairs.

 

~

 

Daryl put on the third dress shirt he’d pulled from his closet and buttoned it up looking at his reflection in the full-length mirror on the back of his bedroom door. He felt uncomfortable and itchy and wondered why in the hell people felt the need to get dressed up for these things. Ripping the dark plaid shirt off he tosses it on the bed and wanders back to the closet. He knows before he even looks at it, which shirt is in his hand. Pulling it out he sucks in a breath and slips it off the hanger. It’s denim, but it’s soft. Small brass snaps run up the front of it instead of those annoying little plastic buttons that his fingers can barely even get a hold of. It had been a Christmas present from Beth. A gift that was just from her and not a family gift.

 

~

 

_ Christmas Eve dinner was done and the gift exchange had been chaos in a good way like it always was at the Greene farm. Daryl had slipped out to have a smoke before Annette made them all sing Christmas carols. She did it every year. He flat out refused the first few years, but eventually, he did it for her. She never tried to be his mama, but she always made him feel like he was something special. Now she was sick and he also had a nagging feeling in his gut that he knew had to be guilt. Because he was falling in love with Beth. The kind of love that wasn’t supposed to happen. Not between them. She’d just turned sixteen and he was twenty-four and those numbers and what they meant to him and to the world circled around in his brain constantly. Unless she was anywhere near him. Then he forgot all the reasons why loving her the way he did was a bad idea. He was thinking about that when she came out on the porch bundled up in a dark green sweater, carrying a package wrapped in silver foil paper.  _

 

_ “Daryl, I, well I got you something. It’s just from me.” She’d held the package out to him and she’d looked up at him shyly. He put out his cigarette and took it from her. _

 

_ “Didn’t have ta do that, “ he mumbled. His gift to her had been bolts. He and Hershel had come to an agreement when Beth was adamant about getting a crossbow. She could have one only if Daryl taught her how to use it and use it safely. So that was the other part of his gift, he’d teach her to shoot her bow. She’d opened the bolts first and sat there confused until Hershel walked out with the crossbow. To say she’d been excited would be an understatement. She’d hugged them both and brushed her lips across his cheek with a breathless, ‘Thank you Daryl’, and he’d felt like his face was on fire and had slowly but surely worked his way out here, to the porch, by himself. Well until she found him. She seemed to always find him. _

 

_ “Go on, open it.” She sat on the steps and patted the space beside her and he’d sat and peeled back the silver foil paper to find a soft denim shirt. A dress shirt, but not a dress shirt. He’d eyed her and she was smiling brighter than the lit up Christmas tree in the living room. _

 

_ “It’s for church. I know you hate those itchy old shirts mama insists you guys wear. Collars so tight it looks like you can barely breathe!” She giggles at this and he grunts. What she doesn’t know is he can barely breathe because she’s up there with the choir and she sings and she smiles and it makes him feel things he’s never felt before. He doesn’t believe in God, but he would swear on a bible that Beth Greene is an angel when she sings. _

 

_ The shirt was soft and the color of her eyes And he knew without even trying it on that it would feel so much better than those other shirts. But. _

 

_ “What about yer mama?” This didn’t look like a church-going shirt. Beth smiled at him and nodded. _

 

_ “She approved. I made sure. Do you like it?” She looked up at him, her eyes filled with something, was it hope? Did it matter that much to her? He smiled and nodded. _

 

_ “I like it. Like it a lot. S’ nice. Thanks.” Then before he could stop her she grabbed his hand and pulled him up off the stairs and across the yard and around the corner of the barn. She didn’t say a word, just pushed herself up on her toes and kissed him on the cheek again. But it was a kiss, a real kiss and not just the brush of soft lips against his rough cheek. _

 

_ “Merry Christmas Daryl.” And then she was gone. He’d stood there in the cold, wishing she hadn’t left, wishing she hadn’t kissed him, wishing he’d turned his head just enough to kiss her back, wishing so much his head hurt and he almost didn’t hear Shawn yelling at him from the front porch. _

 

~

 

He’s gonna wear the denim shirt. Because it feels right.

 

Driving out to the farm he’s thinking a lot about the last few months before he left. How everything became so much more. And how at first it was the best feeling in the world until that guilt began to creep in. He could love her, he could. That love wasn’t centered on anything physical with Beth. That love had come as easily as the Greene family’s acceptance of him. That love was innocent. He loved them all. So much time was spent when it was just the two of them. Maybe that was how it began. 

 

~

 

_ He watched her try and stay busy, try and push thoughts of her momma right out of her head. And when she couldn't, when she raged and cried until she was curled up on the floor, more often than not it was him who consoled her, his arms she folded herself into, his heart she confided in. And he held her and listened to her.  _

 

_ ‘I got ya, girl.’ _

 

_ He was strong for her and reminded her how strong she was, how strong she could be. _

 

_ ‘Yer gonna need to be strong Beth, gonna have to. I know ya got it in ya. Ya don’t know it, but ya do.’ He brushed her hair back from her face and smiled at her, which made her laugh even though she was crying. _

 

_ ‘Maybe you’re gonna have to keep on reminding me sometimes Daryl.’ _

 

_ ‘Nah, ya got this girl.” She’d slipped her hand in his, that had been happening a lot lately. Hugs and hand holding and smiles that made his heart feel like it was fit to burst.  _

 

_ Beth Greene was making herself a place in his heart where she shouldn’t belong. Because those were the rules. But he was having a hard time denying her and then it happened. He kissed her for the first time. It wasn’t the last time either. The world they were supposed to belong in went away and all that existed was that place where it was just them. For a little while. When he wasn’t with her, he drank too much and beat himself up for doing what he was doing. Knowing how soft Beth’s skin was, kissing her like she was air and he was suffocating, loving her more than he ever loved anything else in his whole fucked up world, was wrong. He was a fucked up piece of shit for this, all of it. And he’d convince himself he wasn’t ever going back there. He’d leave. Until the next day when he was back there and she was smiling up at him with her beautiful big blue eyes or choking on tears cause her momma had lost all the hair, she’d grown back and asking him why any God would ever do this to person as good as her momma. And it was his arms around her and his lips in her hair that soothed her. _

 

~

 

_ ‘I love you, Daryl.’ _

 

_ ‘It ain’t right Beth, it just ain’t.’ _

 

_ ‘I don’t care. I still love you, always and forever.’ _

 

_ And he’d bite his lip and hold her closer so she couldn’t see his face and he’d tell her he loved her too because he did. He truly did. _

 

~

 

The farm was beautiful. Something about the way the sun shone down on it all. It was like it was being singled out by the universe just for today. The leaves on the trees were so green, almost as if a lightning storm had just filled the air with nitrogen. And the air was full of dragonflies and butterflies and even on a day that was so sad, there was magic at work. He drove down the dirt road and parked out by the barn. Pulling a silver flask from his glove box he drank deeply of the burning liquid that would settle his soul and maybe make this easier. 

 

When the glare of the sun through his windshield started leaving a thin sheen of perspiration on his face and neck he pushed open the door and climbed out. Cars are parked all over, but there aren’t any people hanging around by the barn so he lets his feet take him on a path that he knows even if it’s been years since he walked it. He heads around the back of the barn and pulls out his cigarettes, another vice to calm his frazzled nerves. He half expects her to come running around the side of the barn laughing and teasing him, a plucked daisy in her hand.

 

_ ‘You love me, you love me, Daryl. Come on, catch me if you can!’ _

 

And ghost Beth ran into the barn, boots making a dull thunk as she climbed the rungs of the ladder to the loft. He follows that memory into the barn and up into the loft. He knew where it was going, knew it was gonna hurt and he wanted it too, he wanted to feel it again. This was the moment when he knew it was too much, they were gonna go too far if he didn’t run as fast as he could, away from her, away from this. Because he was a man and she was just a girl. A girl he loved more than the world.

 

~

 

_ The loft was bathed in sunlight, but it always was when she was up here. It was like she brought the sun with her. _

 

_ ‘See!’ She held out the sad looking flower, bereft of all its petals. ‘Flowers don’t lie, you're mine.’ Her face shone, her eyes sparkled and he was on his knees in front of her, helpless. He pushed her back into the hay and buried his face in her hair in the crook of her neck. She sighed, his name tumbled from her lips, his favorite word, but only when she said it. Small slender arms found their way around his neck and his hands slid up from her waist to her ribcage and he felt the swell of her breasts against his thumbs. He growled out of frustration and her mouth found his, he kissed her hard, so hard it must’ve hurt, had to have. At some point she kicked off her boots and wound her legs around him and it felt so good, she was rocking against him and he was hard, he knew he was. Because it wouldn’t feel this good otherwise. But it couldn’t feel this good! He pushed himself up and off of her, completely horrified with what he had done. _

 

_ ‘Beth, I.. Fuck! No.. no.’ _

 

_ He didn’t remember climbing down the ladder or where he went when he left the barn. He just remembers she didn’t call out to him, didn’t say his name. He couldn’t do this, wouldn’t do this. He must have driven home, must have undressed and gone to bed because he woke up there the next morning to his phone buzzing in the pocket of his jeans that were lying on the floor by his mattress. _

 

_ It was a text from Beth, ‘I’m sorry.’  _

 

~

 

He sits in the loft, legs hanging over the edge and scrubs at his face. It fucking hurts like hell. He may not be able to pinpoint how it all began between them, but he knew the exact moment that he decided it couldn’t go on. Her body had done things to him that a woman’s body was supposed to do, not a girl, not a sixteen-year-old girl. And she was sorry? He went back that day and told her he loved her, she meant everything to him, but this, this couldn’t be, it just couldn’t. Two weeks later he left her heartbroken in that field. 

 

Nine years had come and gone and Beth was out there, somewhere and he was gonna see her again. His girl. Fuck it all. She had been and was always gonna be his girl.

 

~

 

There are so many people. Most she knows, quite a few she doesn’t. She smiles and thanks them for coming. Rick and Michonne. Aaron and Erik. Rosita, a bartender from Glenn’s place. Smiles, hugs, tears. Following Maggie’s lead, holding Glenn’s hand, and leaning up against her daddy when things get too rough, she’s getting through this. The services are being held out by the big willow tree, the one her momma is buried under. Through her tears, the sunlight is fractured into hundreds of tiny suns and she holds tight to Maggie’s hand as they make their way to their seats. Family in the front. That’s what the pastor had said earlier when they went over the details before the guests started arriving. Voices are murmuring and everyone is settling, but the seat beside her is still empty. Where is her daddy? This is his spot.

 

“Maggie, where’s daddy?” She leans over and whispers in her sister’s ear and Maggie looks at her with tears in her eyes. Her sister’s beautiful, she always has been. And Beth has missed her so much. There’s a soft breeze and it tangles their curls together for a second.

 

“He’s coming Beth, I’m sure..” she’s looking over Beth’s shoulder and her voice dies out and her face changes subtly.

 

“Maggie..” But Maggie just raises her hands to her face and Beth shifts in her seat, just a little, just enough. And he’s there, being guided by her daddy, to the front with the family. In his denim shirt with the top button undone, hair in his eyes, shoulders hunched over like he’s hurting like she remembers and all of a sudden she can’t breathe and it’s just him, just Daryl. He takes the seat beside her, occupies what little bit of space is left in her world, cause it’s closing in fast, until he takes her hand and says so low only she can hear,

 

“I got ya, girl.”

 

~

 

Around them, everyone is saying their goodbyes. Telling stories and talking about Shawn in the past tense and that’s what they need to do, that’s how they cope with the way this loss is theirs.

 

Beth doesn’t say goodbye and Shawn isn’t gone, he’s just not here. Daryl knows her, even after all this time. She smiles and nods, pretends to hear the things they’re saying, pretends that all of it matters. But it doesn’t and he see’s it flash across her face, the moment she can’t do it anymore and then it’s just a soft swish of her dress and the flash of her ponytail in the sun before she goes seeking solace in the one place he knows she’ll find some semblance of it.

 

And he does the only thing he can. He follows her.

 

~

 

She’s sitting there on a quilt, not the quilt from that day, but close enough. She must’ve brought it up here. He’s sure she’s been up here since she came back. Probably a lot. Her boots are tossed to the side and her bare feet are tucked up underneath her. He fumbles with his laces and kicks off his own boots and stands at the edge of the blanket, waiting, for permission, an invite, anything that lets him know she wants him here. When she slides over making a space for him he sucks in a shaky breath and lowers himself down beside her. 

 

“I didn’t get to tell him I was sorry, sorry for being such a child and not talking to him. I wish I could’ve told him that I forgave him.” Her voice, he wants to lay his head in her lap and sob because he was so afraid he’d never hear it again.

 

“He knows.” Daryl is sure Shawn knows and never for a minute held anything against his little sister.

 

“I’m sorry for what you lost Daryl, with him. He was your best friend.” She sniffles and it’s a sharp pain in his chest.

 

“M’ brother. And he knew that too. Ain’t yer fault.” His fault, all his and the rules, the damn rules.

 

“Why’d you leave, for real?”

 

“I’unno.” He shrugs. How can he explain it when he gets it, but doesn’t understand it himself. Not where it counts. Not in his heart.

 

“Don’t”

 

_ ‘Don’t’  _

 

Did she hear him crying when he walked away?

 

“Ya had to grow up without me Beth. Had ta do it on yer own. I was always coming back here. Couldn’t stay away... Just didn’ know..” He bites his nail and looks over at her. He’s gonna look all he can just in case this is all he gets.

 

“I was coming home, already had plans made, and then, Shawn always had to have the last damn word.” She chokes on his name, soft sobs, and tears which she tries in vain to brush away. “So here I am.”

 

They look at one another and when they speak it’s a jumble of words because they’re both talking at the same time.

 

“l was coming back for you.”

 

“I was hoping you’d come home.”

 

Then she’s laughing, breathless and he scoots a little closer until their hips are touching and she’s not laughing anymore. He reaches up and lets his fingers find the braid, it’s longer than it was before, but just as soft and he runs his fingers down it until his hand is cupping her head and he’s leaning in terrified she’s gonna turn away. Resting his forehead against hers he whispers,

 

“M’ so sorry girl.. so sorry. I brought yer heart back. Maybe I was selfish, but I couldn’t let it go, not then.” His voice is husky in his ears and he knows here any second he’s gonna be bawling. He does his best to swallow back those tears.

 

“Oh, Daryl,” Her fingers are on his face now, gently feeling the scruff and fine lines that time has given him. “I don’t want it back. It was always yours,” she whispers this and he feels it on his lips, prelude to a kiss. 

 

She does kiss him. Kisses him like it’s the first time all over again. Which he’s thinking it kind of is, maybe. And then he’s not thinking anymore. They have a quilt and hay and warm sunlight and a second chance.

 

Also, he does bawl, like a goddamn baby.

 

And that’s just the beginning.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. We Can Have This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There had to be a Part 2.. the story wasn't finished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is.. the rest of the story. Because there was more to tell. This has seriously been one of my favorite fics to write. No matter what anyone says, Daryl loved Beth and he would have done right by her regardless of the years between them. That would have been the least of their worries..
> 
> FYI..There is a rating change in this chapter.. it went from mature to explicit.

 

Sunlight filters through the gaps in the wooden barn walls where they’re sitting together on the quilt. Their kisses never went past the softness of reconnecting and remembering. Everything just kind of hurts right now. Those memories Daryl’s trying not to think too hard on happen to be marching around his head. They’re screaming like drunk, abusive fathers, slapping leather belts with sharp, metal buckles against their hands. They’re threatening to take over, but he’s pushing them away as best he can. These aren’t the things he wants to remember. Right now he feels a flicker of deja-vu. There are little echoes of Beth and him all over this loft. The time they spent here together is still lingering in the walls, imprinted like memories and he’s remembering. These are the things he wants to remember. She must’ve been feeling it herself because she smiles up at him and sure as shit, the past comes rushing back in the blue of her eyes and the tickle of hay dust in his nose.

 

“We’ve been here before Daryl.” 

 

“Yeah, we have.” They have. They were. But this, this is different. Nine years ago there were too many things that stood in the way of what they wanted. Now, right here in this place, the future is full of possibility. He did run away, he left her when she needed him most, but he was protecting her and he’s here now and that counts for something doesn’t it? His brain is screaming, 

 

_ ‘No, no way, look at what she did asshole because you left!’  _

 

He’s not looking, not yet. She’s saying his name so he turns his gaze on her. 

 

“Daryl, nothin’ is ever gonna make me believe it was wrong. Maybe we couldn’t be together. But you loving me, me loving you, that wasn’t wrong. It was real, it was...” Her voices trails off and he can’t avoid it anymore. Daryl looks at where her hands are clasped in her lap. He saw them during the funeral, sitting beside her, holding her hand in his, but he’s avoided giving any thought to the softly worn leather cuff underneath a couple of pretty beaded bracelets that dangle from her left wrist. The sun is reflecting off the tiny crystal beads and drawing his attention right back to her wrist and everything inside of him aches.

 

This right here is the crux of the matter.

 

He reaches out and slips his fingers under her palm, gently lifting her hand and turning it over in his own. Pushing the beaded bracelets up her arm, he swallows hard as he lets his finger linger on the clasp of the cuff. He doesn’t look at her, doesn’t seek out permission before he snaps the clasp open and the cuff drops silently into her lap. A scream or a sob, he isn’t even sure which, catches in his throat and tears blur his vision, but he can still see the thin pink scar that spans her delicate wrist.

 

“Daryl, don’t-” Her voice wavers and she tries to pull her hand away, but he’s not letting go. He needs to look at it, see it and let himself feel it. Because he’s convinced himself that this is all his fault. Gritting his teeth hard, so hard, he tastes blood where he’s caught the skin of his cheek in his bite. 

 

“ ‘M sorry Beth.” It’s a whisper, did she hear? She finally twists out of his grip and holds her wrist against her body like she’s protecting it, from him. And she should, is what he tells himself. She definitely should. He did that. He’s the reason.

 

“It was stupid, I know. I wasn’t..” She’s explaining it to him as if she knows and maybe she does. Maybe she can explain it so it will all make sense to him. She wasn’t what? What is it? The spell is broken because somewhere below a door is opening and Maggie’s voice is calling her name. Her sister's tone is frantic and Daryl notices how Beth stiffens and worries at her bottom lip with her teeth.

 

Sighing, she takes a deep breath, and it sounds to Daryl like she’s done this before.

“Up here Maggie.” Seconds later Maggie peek over the edge of the loft where she stands on the ladder. Something in their faces must have told her all she needed to know or maybe it was just seeing Beth. Finding her and seeing she was okay. He can’t imagine what it was like for her family. Finding her after what she did to leave that thin pink scar and that’s another kick right in the middle of his chest.

 

“I was just looking, you disappeared,” Maggie says.

 

“I’m fine Maggie, just go. Please.” She lingers for a moment, watching them and then she’s gone and it’s just him and Beth looking at one another. “Daryl Dixon if you don’t quit looking at me like that I’m gonna come over there and punch you.” She’s serious and he’s remembering.

 

~

 

_ “Come on Greene! Thought you were a cowgirl!” Daryl and Shawn were sitting in the loft legs dangling over the edge watching Beth try and saddle Nervous Nellie. But like the nickname the boys gave her, the horse is nervous and skittish and tiny ten-year-old Beth is no match for the heavy saddle and a horse that won’t stay put. Not to mention the frustration at being watched and teased by the two older boys. _

 

_ “Want me to saddle her up Beth, I can do it,” Shawn called down to his little sister. He actually meant well, it’s Daryl who’s enjoying tormenting the girl. _

 

_ “Yeah let yer brother do it. Little thing like you ain’t-” _

 

_ “Daryl Dixon if you don’t shut up I’m gonna come up there and punch you!” She had a hand on her hip and just then the saddle slipped and hit Nellie and in the scuffle, Beth was knocked to the ground. _

 

_ The fear hits Dary right in the stomach. And he and Shawn were out of that loft even faster than the time they were caught by Hershel with two girls and beer up there when they were fifteen. It was Daryl who got to her first and he scooped her up in his arms and out of the general area of Nellie and her hooves. _

 

_ “Ya okay, Beth? Ya ain’t hurt are ya?” His heart was pounding because despite the teasing he loved this little girl like his own sister. And he wasn’t the least bit angry when Beth hauled off and punched him right in the jaw. _

 

_ “Put me down now you big jackass.” He was, however, stunned by her cursing and he put her down immediately. She tore off out of the barn calling for her daddy. Shawn fell on the ground holding his stomach laughing so hard he had actual tears on his cheeks. _

 

_ “Man my little sister just clocked you! You got punched by a ten-year-old girl!” He rolled around until Daryl kicked him in the side. _

 

_ “Yeah well, yer gonna need them tears, you was teasing her too and here comes yer daddy.” Daryl took the tongue lashing he received like a man and didn’t feel that taking on her chores for a month was hardly punishment enough for teasing Beth and he said so. Shoulda kept his mouth shut. On top of doing the chores, he got stuck taking Nellie out into the corral every afternoon that summer in order to saddle break her so Beth could ride. That was definitely punishment. In fact, it was torture. That horse hated him.  _

 

_ Beth was in the barn that first day he went to muck her stalls and she had two shovels and a smile. _

 

~

 

There are other voices in the barn and Daryl’s back from that place where he keeps every memory of her. He feels Beth stiffen, the same way she did when Maggie called out to her. She’s smoothing her dress and mumbling to herself, “I swear to God if they don’t back off!” He wants to touch her, comfort her somehow, comfort himself, but he doesn’t know if that’s such a good idea at the moment.

 

“Bethany Anne Greene get down here. You too Daryl.” It’s Hershel and he’s found them, found him in the loft with his baby girl.

 

“Fuck,” Daryl says under his breath.

 

“You're telling me? For god’s sake, I am a grown woman.” She’s climbing down the ladder and Daryl follows feeling fifteen years old again.

 

“You just disappeared, scared your sister. We were frantic!” Hershel lays a hand on her shoulder, but Beth is having none of that. Shrugging it off she backs up just a little.

 

“Daddy, please, I am not a child and I’m not gonna break! I just needed a minute to breathe, you can’t do this, you can’t hover!” But Hershel’s attention is no longer on his daughter, he’s looking intently at Daryl.

 

“Maggie take your sister to the house. I’d like to talk to Daryl.” His eyes are steel and Daryl, knowing Hershel like he does, senses the anger from the set of the man’s shoulders.

 

“Daddy! Stop!” Beth is standing between the two of them looking from one to the other.

 

“Go, Beth,” Hershel says, his voice harsh. Her eyes linger on Daryl and he nods in her direction as if agreeing with Hershel. She needs to go, he needs to do this too. She starts to walk away, but stops at the barn door, turns back and looks at him again. His eyes never left her, hell he’s barely stopped looking at her since he saw her again. Now she’s standing there caught, he can feel it, it’s exactly how he feels. He’s gifted with the smallest of smiles as she finally turns and slips out the door.

 

“I knew something was going on, I knew, but I was so wrapped up in my own sorrow I couldn’t deal with it.” Hershel is pacing back and forth and Daryl is stuck. He’s afraid to move. Then Hershel stops and looks at him, directly at him and his words are like a large hand slapping his face, but it isn’t his face, it’s a child’s face. A little boys face to be exact. Accusing him, blaming him.

 

“You left and she was broken. And then her momma died and, she tried to take her life, Daryl!” Hershel’s face is red with exertion and emotion. Daryl knows this. He knows it all! He didn’t want that and he didn’t leave on purpose. He would have rather of taken his own life than to think that Beth would be so lost that she would do what she did. But he didn’t know. He was protecting her from himself.

 

“I was in love with her Hershel. I loved her and it wasn’t right... she was a child. But I wanted to love her like a woman.” Hershel was always stronger than Daryl gave him credit for and that is certainly still true now even though he is an old man. Daryl feels his head hit the loft ladder and Hershel has his denim shirt bunched in his fists. His first instinct is to lash out. But he can’t, he won’t. Not at him, not this man.

 

“Did you put your hands on my baby?” Hershel’s voice cracks and the tears in his eyes give away that there is more than anger pulsing in his veins. This is how it would have been all those years ago if they’d been found out, and it would have been warranted. Now whether or not Daryl is deserving of it, he’s gonna take it, until he can’t anymore.

 

“I did.. I held her in my arms and kissed her and then I left. I wasn’t gonna do, it ain’t like yer thinkin’! She was a child and I loved her so fuckin’ much.” Lowering his head he looks at his boots on the dusty barn floor. He wants to be strong, wants to look Hershel in the eyes, but he can’t force himself to lift his head and meet the old man’s accusing gaze.

 

Hershel pushes him away with hardly any force at all and he rubs his face. Daryl really sees, for the first time, the old man he has become. And this hurts too. There is so much time lost.

 

“You could’ve stayed, put those feelings away, been here. Maybe then, maybe... It’s not right for me to think that way. I know that.” There isn’t any conviction behind that statement, but Daryl knows where it’s coming from. He’s been haunted by it ever since he came back to town.

 

“You don’ think I think ‘bout that?! Fuck… I didn’t even know she did it... I, Rick told me when I came back earlier this week. He tol’ me it all. I never kept in touch. I left an I didn’t look back, let her go so she could grow up an make her own choices. Wasn’ my right ta choose what I wanted.” He would’ve stayed, he would’ve if he’d known what was gonna happen and if he’d thought he’d be able to save her from herself. But he couldn’t see that future. 

 

Now it’s just too much. All of it. Her, the scar and the broken, empty feelings. And most all the guilt as he looks at Hershel. He took all he can take it’s time to leave. Leaving is familiar and in a twisted way, it’s a comfort.

 

“I gotta go.. I gotta.. tell her I’ll see her..” He knows he’s isn’t making any sense, but he thinks that leaving is the best thing he can do right now. This isn’t the time, it isn’t the place for this discussion. They’re saying goodbye to Shawn and it’s all falling apart and he doesn’t have any right to be here. Daryl likes to tell himself lies. And he believes them all.

 

Then he’s letting his legs carry him out of this place, this eerie pocket in time. And it isn’t until he’s in his truck and back on the road that he can breathe and choke on the monster that’s fighting it’s way out. Slamming his fist into the dash, he curses the pain that has very little to do with his hand. Tears blur his vision and he swerves right then left and a blaring horn has him yanking the steering wheel a hard right and into a skid that takes him off the road and into a small ditch. No seat belt, of course, and the impact slams him into the windshield. This time the pain blooms real and fierce and he tastes blood.

 

~

 

Beth watches as her daddy makes his way across the lawn. Family and friends are milling around tables where a lunch prepared by the church has been laid out. They’re talking quietly amongst one another and sometimes casually glancing in her direction, but no one tries to approach her. She waits for a moment, but Daryl doesn’t follow. Moving slowly, tentatively in her father’s direction, she holds her breath, hoping that any second now Daryl will come walking around the corner of the barn angry and sullen, but here. Still here. Not gone.

 

“Daryl in the barn?” she asks softly. When her daddy doesn’t answer, just gives her a sad hollow look, the same one he wore for so long after her momma died, she steps in front of him, forcing him to stop.

 

“Daddy where’s Daryl?”

 

“He’s gone, honey. Come on let’s-”

 

The air is suddenly too thick to inhale, to exhale, to breathe without a hitch in her chest. Backing up she’s shaking her head. She looks over her shoulder checking again, just one more time. But Daryl isn’t there.

 

“Where’s he at daddy?” Hershel tries to take her hand but she jerks it away.

 

“He was, he was upset. I just needed to know what happened, make sure he never..” He’s uncomfortable, that’s apparent, second-guessing whatever it is he said to Daryl. She can read him, she knows without him even telling her.

 

“You made him leave.” It isn’t a question. She isn’t asking. And suddenly it’s the field and Shawn is there and Beth is sixteen and the one person she needed most in the world is gone.

 

“No, no, no..” She bumps into something soft and hears an ooff!

 

“Beth what’s going-” Maggie reaches for her, but she moves away from her sister’s grasp. Moves away from them both.

 

“You can’t keep sending him away! I’m a grown woman-” Wringing her hands she looks from one to the other.

 

“Bethy I didn’t send him away, he left. I’m sure he’s gonna talk to you later.”

 

“He wouldn’t leave. Not again, not unless you made him! What did you say to him?” She’s aware she’s yelling now. And drawing a crowd. The people from the church, family friends, her brother's friends. They’re all quietly watching and waiting. To see what she does, to see if she breaks. Again.

 

Rick comes walking over to where they’re standing, suspended in the moment, he’s holding his phone listening to someone on the other end. 

 

“Where’s Daryl Hershel?” Something about the way he’s asking and the expression on his face causes a flicker of panic in Beth’s chest.

 

“Well, he left, just about ten minutes ago. What’s going on Rick?”

 

“Got a call, there’s truck in the ditch, California plates.” Beth doesn’t understand what’s going on, why does this matter, why is it even important? And then they’re looking at her and Maggie is taking her hand saying something about changing into jeans and heading out to the truck. The truck. But it’s not Daryl. The truck has California license plates, that’s what Rick said.

 

“Beth, Daryl was living in California before he came back here. Come on now get your boots.”

 

~

 

He pulls himself out of the truck and stands for a minute staring at it. When he realizes it isn’t going anywhere, it’s gonna need a tow, he fishes the bottle of whiskey from the glove box and ignores the blood, his throbbing hand, chin and the way his head is pounding from the impact and just walks.

 

It’s hot and humid and the sun isn’t helping his headache. A car slows down as it comes up beside him. There’s a blonde girl at the wheel and she’s saying something to him, but she’s young and blonde and he wonders just how hard he hit his head or if maybe he never even got out of that truck. He keeps walking, keeps going, hopes she’ll disappear because this is his mind playing tricks on him again.

 

“Hey! Mister, you okay? You want a ride or something?”

 

He stops and leans over fully intending to tell her to get out of his brain and leave him alone, but young and blonde are the only things she has in common with the girl he thought he saw, it isn’t her, isn’t Beth and he isn’t dead and even if he has a concussion, he’s not seeing things. Pierced nose and trucker hat on backward, she has brown eyes and freckles and she isn’t Beth.

 

“Didn’t yer daddy tell ya not ta talk ta strangers?”

 

“Ain’t got no daddy! Got a mean ass older brother though. You wanna ride or what? You’re pretty fucked up. Come on.”

 

“Watch yer mouth, ain’t no way ta talk.” She laughs at that, rolling her eyes.

 

“Git in mister.”

 

So he does.

 

~

 

Beth doesn’t remember putting on her boots or walking back outside, but here she is standing next to Maggie, still trying to process everything. California, Daryl was in California, but he came back. 

 

“Where’s Rick?” Maggie has her arm and they’re walking towards Hershel.

 

“He went ahead. He said he’ll give us a call-” Wait. No. Daryl’s truck is in a ditch and her daddy sent him away and, and, and...

 

“You think I’m gonna wait here for a phone call! Daddy? Why?” She feels herself falling apart again. She’d composed herself, or so she thought, up there in her room, shoving her feet into her boots, even with the knowledge that Daryl’s truck is in a ditch. His truck is in a ditch. Walking around her daddy she heads toward Maggie's car. She hears them behind her, arguing, over her, but this time Maggie ends it.

 

“I’m taking her daddy. She loves him and god he loves her. Everything he did was for her. So I’m going. I’ll call you.” Maggie catches up with her, squeezes her hand and they climb into her car. They aren’t even at the end of the drive when Maggie’s phone rings. Glancing at the screen she passes it to Beth.

 

“It’s for you.”

 

Beth holds the phone in her hand, it’s a long distance number, one she doesn’t recognize, but...

 

“Hello?”

 

“Beth? That you?” His voice is gravelly and edged with anxiety.

 

“Daryl? Are you-”

 

“ ‘M hurt, not bad. I, can ya come? ‘M home. I need ya, Beth.”

 

And there it is, he wanted her then, wants her still. And now he can, she can. It’s okay. It’s alright. The rules no longer apply. And she’s gonna go. She was always gonna go eventually. 

 

“Maggie stop.” Maggie does and knows without even asking, who was on the phone and where Beth is going. She opens the door and gets out making room for her little sister to slide into the driver’s seat.

 

“It’s okay, right? He’s... You’re gonna..” Beth smiles and tries to put her sister at ease because of course there’s that -worry- and it’s probably never going away. She can’t change that. 

 

“I’ll call you. I promise. I’m..” 

 

“You’re a grown woman. I know. Okay. Go.” She steps back and wraps her arms around herself and Beth watches her in the side mirror until she turns out onto the highway and she can't see her anymore. 

 

Home. He said he was home and she knows now where that is and she also knows he’s okay, well mostly. She flies by his truck in the ditch and she doesn’t look because he isn't there. She’s going to him. That's all that matters now.

 

~ 

 

He’s lying on his bed where he stumbled when the girl dropped him off. He’s got a whiskey bottle by his side and a bag of ice he grabbed from the freezer. It’s melting, condensation drenching his shirt where it rests on his chest against the gash on his chin.

 

Daryl beats himself up- Hershel’s words didn’t do much more than he’d already done, been doing to himself since he left nine years ago. He is his own worst enemy. Took up where his dad left off. But he doesn’t have to do this anymore. It’s not about anyone else except him and her now. They get to decide where things go. And it’s okay. He can love her without the guilt. She had so much faith in what they could be all those years ago. She had a light inside of her that he’d wanted to follow like a moth to a flame. She hadn’t wanted to let go, she was ready to fight. But he left.

 

What if it’s gone? That light inside of her? What if he put it out when he left? He couldn’t do that, could he? She’s so much stronger than he is. She burns too bright to just be snuffed out like a candle. These are the thoughts that are racing through his head while he waits for her. 

 

He hears the door, it’s old and heavy and it creaks and groans like old things do. He noticed that the first time he opened it. Right now he feels as old as that door, full of his own creaks and groans and splintered wood. He listens and he hears her soft footsteps, even in those cowboy boots, he knows she’s wearing. Soft thumps, she’s stepping lightly in the hard soles. Then she’s standing there in the doorway, blue eyes wide and he hears her breath catch in her throat. He imagines how he must look to her. He didn’t wash off any of the blood and with the water from the melting ice, he’s streaked in pink and red. 

 

“Oh, Daryl.”

 

Then everything breaks open.

 

~

 

Beth didn’t think anything could possibly hurt more than him walking away. But this, him laying here bloody and bruised is a pain that’s jagged like a shard of broken glass. She lost her momma, lost her brother, thought she’d lost him too. But she hasn’t. He was just gone. For awhile.

 

“Daryl, what did you, why?” Crawling up onto the bed she hesitatingly reaches a hand towards him, but pulls it back, unsure if touching him is okay, doesn’t want to hurt him. Daryl grasps her wrist though and brings her hand back to his face and her fingers brush the hair from his eyes. Leaning in close, her eyes follow his injuries. The lump, now turning purple, on his forehead, the gash on his chin still freely bleeding and mixing with the water from the ice, pink-tinged rivulets running down his neck, pooling on his chest. And his knuckles, split and torn, swollen and bleeding. She runs a finger across the back of his hand, he shudders slightly as her gaze slowly runs the length of his body looking again at every injury and they come to rest on his chin. His lips are parted as she leans back in.

 

“This might need stitches, Daryl,” she whispers not wanting to break whatever spell they’ve fallen under. Because she feels it, it’s like way the air feels right before it rains. His other hand comes across his body and cups the back of her head, urging her closer until their lips touch and her blood is humming in her veins. It’s a careful kiss, but her mouth’s open against his and she’s relishing in the warmth of his whiskey tainted breath on her lips. Kneeling there next to him on the bed everything in her wakes up and reaches out to everything in him. She feels desire pool between her legs in her jeans. His fingers tangle in her ponytail, tugging, gentle, but firm and when she moans into his mouth those same fingers press into her scalp and send a jolt of electricity to all the others places she’d like to feel his hands and mouth. But he’s hurt and resting a hand on his chest she eases back a little.

 

“Fuck Beth,” he breathes and there’s desperation in his eyes. She sees it and knows it because she’s feeling it too. 

 

“Daryl, you’re hurt, just... slow down.”

 

“Don’ wanna, I need ya, need ta know..” he’s mumbling and it makes her smile. She lays a hand on his cheek.

 

“I’m gonna clean you up, there’s blood everywhere and you need bandages.”

 

“ ‘M sorry.” He lets his hand drop from her ponytail to his chest and she feels the sting of hair being tugged from her scalp, wrapped in his fingers.

 

“You should be! Why would you, why would you hurt yourself?” It breaks her heart because she knows why.

 

“Why would you?” This from him and the fact that his fingers are now wrapped around her wrist and the leather cuff and all that it implies.

 

“Oh.” He isn’t going to just let this go. And she doubts she can change his mind, make him believe that the scar on her wrist isn’t his fault. In his head, he’s probably convinced himself that he held the glass and cut into the soft skin of her wrist. Scooting backward she stands up, eyes still on him. “First I’m gonna take care of you and then I’ll let you try and make me believe that this,” she lifts that wrist, beads falling against each other making a sound so small it’s amazing she can actually hear it, “is all on you.” She swallows the lump in her throat and heads into his bathroom, rummages around until she finds what she needs.

 

~

 

He lays quiet while she uses antiseptic wipes to clean the blood off his chin and knuckles. Watching her when she isn’t looking. Her jaw is tense and little creases have formed in her forehead as she concentrates on taking care of him. He winces as she patches up his chin with a butterfly bandage. She knows him, knows he won’t go to an emergency room and let them stitch up a little cut. He’s seen the inside of way too many of those places for more reasons than any kid should ever have had to. He won’t go, not for this. When she’s finished she picks up the bag of ice, now nothing more than melted water and heads into the kitchen.

 

Pushing himself up to sit on the edge of the bed he undoes the snaps on the denim shirt. It’s soaked and even though it’s summer he’s shivering a little. He gets his left arm free and gently eases the right sleeve over his bandaged hand, careful not to catch the cuff on it. His body tenses up when he hears her come in, feels the dip of the mattress as she once again crawls across the bed behind him. The fact that he’s got no shirt on makes his face heat up and it has nothing to do with the marks on his back. 

 

~

 

_ She’s seen his scars, asked all the questions she needed to when she was just little girl and her innocence gave her license to pry. For some reason, it didn’t hurt to tell seven-year-old Beth exactly (well almost exactly) where the scars had come from. She’d nodded, her blue eyes wide and told him no one ought to hit a kid and make him bleed. _

 

_ ‘Ain’t no reason at all Daryl, that’s just plain mean.’ _

 

_ ‘My daddy ain’t nice, not like yer daddy kid.’ _

 

_ ‘Want my daddy to go give your daddy a talking to? I’ll tell him, I will cause them scars make me sad. Ain’t no reason to..’ She sniffled, rubbing her nose. _

 

_ ‘Don’t ya cry for me kid. Knock that off, ya hear! I’ma go toss yer ass in the pond!’ _

 

_ That had made her giggle and he’d chased her all over the yard hollering that he was gonna throw her in the pond and somebody better stop him before he did. Which of course brought Shawn and Maggie running to rescue their poor sweet baby sister and Daryl knew he hadn’t made Beth forget the scars, but for now she’d let it go. She was a smart little kid. _

 

~

 

She’d seen his scars. More than once over the years, but now he’s sitting here with no shirt on and just a few minutes ago he’d kissed her and he hadn’t wanted to stop, wanted her underneath him with her shirt off, her moaning into his mouth like she was and making him want her so bad. 

 

“Beth..” He isn’t sure what he’s going to say, but she silences him when she reaches around and lays her hand on his thigh, palm up. The bracelets are gone and it’s just that thin pink scar.

 

“You didn’t do this Daryl. This isn’t your fault.” Her other hand is on his back, gently rubbing the ridges there. “Just like these aren’t your fault.” He can feel his muscles tense underneath her touch, she’s seen them, but she’s never touched them and he wants to get up, walk away, make her stop. It’s got his gut all twisted up and tears are pricking at the back of his eyes.

 

“I did this. It was my choice. Doesn’t matter that you left, or my momma died, or that my daddy checked out. It was always my choice.” She lowers her hand and it’s resting on his hip. It wouldn’t surprise him at all if she knew that her touching him was too much. There are just things about Beth that defy explanation. But he still doesn’t think she’s right about this. Not completely.

 

“Maybe I coulda done somethin’, if I’da stayed and just... Dammit maybe if I woulda tried not ta love ya like that, just been there..” He lets his head hang, chin resting on his chest. He might not be completely responsible, but he feels like some of the blame is his.

 

_ ‘And a 9-year-old kid coulda behaved better so his daddy wouldn’t rip his back apart with a belt?’ _

 

Suddenly her arms are around his waist and her cheek is soft against his back and she’s holding him tight.

 

“Yer gonna squeeze the life outta me girl.” He rubs his good hand along her arm, takes her hand and brings it to his lips. He kisses the thin pink scar and it’s her turn to shiver. It’s warm and her pulse it strong beneath it and it still hurts to look at it, but something lets loose in his chest and it’s a little easier to breathe.

 

“Gotta let it go then. How are we gonna start over, have a second chance it you’re holding on to the worst parts of the past?” He turns so he can kind of look her in the eyes because this is important.

 

“That what we’re doing?” His voice is gruff, but the corner of her mouth curves up in a small smile.

 

“We are, we were always gonna get here. You took my heart.”

 

“Tried ta bring it back. Ya said I could keep it.” Teasing her feels so good. Her smile is wide now, lighting up her whole face. “Sides, ya got mine. I figure it’s an even trade.” 

 

Her laughter is like music to his ears. He smiles and laughs with her even though it tugs at the bandage on his chin and stings a little and it makes his head pound too. But Beth is next to him, tucking herself gently up against him and tugging his arm around her shoulders and laughing, still laughing.

 

~

 

Life falls into place, sort of. There are missing pieces and places that will always remain empty, but they’ll fill it up with the life they have now. All of them. There is always a reason to keep going.

 

It’s been a couple of weeks since the funeral and Daryl’s accident. He’s healing, his knuckles and chin are just scabs. The lump on his head is gone, only a faint bruising is proof that it was ever there at all. Beth watches him now from where’s she’s sitting on the porch steps. He’s standing at the grill, keeping an eye on the burgers and chicken he has cooking there. With a beer in his hand and a small smile on his face as he listens to Hershel. Right now those years they lost don’t matter. There will probably be moments when they do, when it hurts so much she’ll want to scream, but now is not one of those moments.

 

She stayed with Daryl that night after the wreck and she made sure he ate and gave him ibuprofen and curled up on the bed next to him and listened to him breathe all night. The next morning she was tired, but he looked 100% better and that was all that mattered to her. They’d headed out to the farm in her car and Daryl climbed the steps to the front door alone, to find her daddy and say whatever it was he needed to say to make peace with Hershel, to make it okay. That’s what Daryl had said,  _ ‘Gotta make this okay girl.’ _ And he had, or at least he did what he needed to, to get it closer to being okay.

 

Today they’re celebrating Hershel’s birthday, just the five of them. A barbecue and a cake and presents that Hershel says he doesn’t need because he’s got it all. Everything an old man needs to be happy is sitting around the table with him. This makes them laugh, even Daryl, who rarely laughs at much of anything. But he’s been smiling a lot lately and Beth thinks that it’s better than the prettiest Georgia sunset she’s ever seen.

 

“You get your truck taken care of Daryl?” They’re all at the picnic table finishing the chocolate cake Beth and Maggie baked. Beth sees Daryl fiddling with his plastic fork, searching for words, the right words. She wonders if her daddy is always gonna make Daryl nervous.

 

“I did. ‘S gonna be done in a couple days. Jus’ glad my bike finally got here.” Oh, that’s it. The bike. Daryl probably has a pretty good idea of how Beth riding on the back of his bike makes Hershel feel.

 

“Beth says you got her a helmet? You know having her on the bike scares me, but I’m trusting that she’s in good hands.” Hershel hates the motorcycle, hasn’t hesitated to tell Beth exactly that, but he has been less vocal about it since she found an old picture of him and her momma on a bike, their hair windblown, smiling like they were having the best day of their lives. No helmets at all on their heads.

 

“ ‘Mhmm. I don’ like it much either, but she wouldn’t let up, she’s stubborn.” Daryl grumbles and Hershel chuckles. She knows he’s telling a little fib right there because he does like her on his bike. And she loves it, loves the wind all around her and Daryl solid and warm in front of her insisting she,  _ ‘..hold on tight ta me girl!’ _

 

“That she is. Gets it from her momma.” Maggie snorts at that and her and Beth share a smile.

 

“Where’d Maggie get it from? Cause she always says I can blame you for her stubbornness.” Glenn seems to know exactly what to say to render Hershel speechless. Quiet, calm, sweet Glenn. He put a ring on Maggie’s finger and come October there’ll be a wedding on the farm. Something good, something happy. Another memory for the place to hold. She feels Daryl’s hand on her leg and rests hers on top of it.

 

“I ain’t stubborn,” she says softly so only he can hear.

 

“Ya are,” he whispers back just as soft. And he laughs, just a little.

 

~

 

They have the farm to themselves for the rest of the weekend. Maggie and Glenn took Hershel down to the coast to fish. He’s been watching a program about deep sea fishing and he and Glenn got so excited when it aired out off the Georgia coast, Maggie found out about a trip and booked it for his birthday present last week. Daryl had felt a little left out at first, because he loves fishing just as much as those two, maybe even more. He would have liked to have gone. Until Beth caught him out on the porch that evening after Maggie had told her daddy her plans.

 

“You wanted to go?” She asked, slipping between him and the porch railing forcing him to put out the cigarette he just lit in exchange for her pressing up against him.

 

“ ‘Mmm mighta been okay.” He played with end of her braid, she’s been wearing it a lot. Says it makes her feel good, doing stuff like that and he ain’t complaining, it makes him feel something too, something he can’t quite name.

 

“We’re gonna be alone out here while they’re gone. I mean, if you wanna stay here with me.” Big blue eyes, she can totally pull off the innocent look, cause she is, for the most part. But there is something else in that look and it scares and excites him.

 

So he was completely okay with not going fishing. Just staying here, alone, with Beth.

 

When the luggage is loaded he holds her hand and she waves while the car leaves in a cloud of dust down the drive.

 

Once the car disappears he just holds on and follows when Beth tugs on his hand and heads in the direction of the barn.

 

~

 

Beth stops at the barn door and turns to look at Daryl. There were so many times they stood right here, right here in this spot and looked at one another they way they are now. Back then it hurt because he was trying to run and she was fighting to stay.

 

“Whatta ya doin’ Beth?” She’s sure he knows. Has to.

 

“Taking you back, taking us back,” she says it and it makes her a little nervous, but she knows it’s right. This is alright now.

 

It’s summer, there’s the loft and this time there’s nothing stopping them.

 

~

 

Daryl follows her up the ladder, stopping before he steps up into the loft. Damn place always makes him pause. It’s like everything they’ve gone through right here is still here. Doesn’t make any sense to Daryl at all, but it’s what he feels every time he’s climbed that ladder since he’s been back. There’s a quilt spread out in the sun on the hay. Next to it is a little ice chest.

 

“Whas’ in there?” Daryl gestures towards the small container. Beth is kneeling on the blanket now and she looks a little nervous. She’s slipping off her cowboy boots and tossing them into the hay.

 

“Oh, um some water and a couple of beers, bottle of whiskey... “ She’s looking everywhere but at him. He makes his way over to the quilt and plops down leaning back on his hands.

 

“Wha’ the fuck ya got whiskey for?” He’s never seen her drink before. Oh, she’d snuck sips of his and Shawn’s beers, trying to be sly, but her disgusted expression always gave it away. They’d yell at her and threaten to tell her daddy and she’d come back at them with something equally incriminating until it was apparent they were even and neither one was gonna squeal.

 

“Well we never drank together, you never let me so I thought it might be fun.” Now it’s obvious she’s nervous, she’s doing that weird giggle. The one she does when she isn’t sure what else to say or do.

 

“Fun? Huh... Didn’t let ya drink cause ya weren’t old enough girl.” He pulls the chest over next to him and opens it up. Sure enough, there’s whiskey and a shot glass, which makes him smile. She’s gotta know he'll just drink it straight from the bottle. “Ya ever drink whiskey?”

 

“Daryl I’m 25, of course, I’ve had whiskey. And I’ve been to bars and I’m not a virgin.” The last part comes out fast and breathy and he’s in the middle of taking a shot of said whiskey and chokes on it, sputtering and wiping at his face with the back of his hand.

 

“What the hell Beth, ya tryin’ ta kill me?” She told him over a week ago that they’d have the farm to themselves if he wanted to stay, and he’d wanted to. He was also well aware of the things she didn’t say and what they meant. So he supposes that this conversation is probably expected, but he’s not sure what or where or how to go about it.

 

“I just thought you should know, ya know because..” She’s starting to fall apart. He can see it. She hasn’t looked directly at him and she’s fiddling with her bracelets and picking at the quilt. She’s nervous and maybe even scared. He’s definitely both. He pats the blanket beside him.

 

“Com’ere.” She settles in next to him and he hands her the bottle. “Don’ need no shot glass. Jus’ drink.” She does, wrapping her lips around the top of the bottle. He probably shouldn’t be watching this. Her mouth on that bottle. No, he really shouldn’t be watching this. 

 

“I ain't a virgin neither.” She shoves the bottle into his hands, giggling at his admission. As if at 34 years old it’s even surprising.

 

“I didn’t think you were Daryl, I’m not that naive.” She stops giggling and sighs. “You didn’t I was did you?” she asks. 

 

“Tried not ta think ‘bout that.” He’s being completely honest. When he let his mind wander and think about her over the years he avoided the things he didn’t want to know and thought about the good things, her graduation, going off to college, how proud her family would be, how he wished he could be there.

 

“Me either.” She’s playing with her braid, curling the end around her fingers. “I wanted you to be my first, I always wanted that, even after, it was stupid, I know,” she’s smiling, but he sees the tears in her eyes and he feels a deep ache in his chest for the things that they lost just because of the circumstances, the things they couldn’t control.

 

“I couldn’ take that from ya Beth.” Why does it hurt to say that? He lifts the whiskey bottle to his lips but doesn’t drink, he’s listening to her.

 

“You could’ve. You wanted me, I know you did, but you didn’t. I was so hurt then, but I get it now Daryl. You did something good, right, I-”

 

“I broke yer fuckin’ heart and I left ya here and it couldn’t be any other way.” That’s it. That’s all. He wants to hurl the whiskey bottle across the loft, scream at something or someone, put the blame somewhere else, put the hurt somewhere else, anywhere else, but here. Because they both came back and it’s supposed to be okay now isn’t it? 

 

“Daryl?” Only her voice can bring him back. It’s always been her. And when she cups his chin, turns his face to hers, makes him look at her, she’s smiling. “We can have this. Now. We can have-” She’s blushing and biting her bottom lip and it’s the most beautiful thing, seeing her so vulnerable. “Daryl we can have a first time.” She’s crying and smiling and he’s helpless, trying to process it all.

 

They can have this. They couldn’t then, but now they can and he’s completely terrified.

 

~

 

Beth feels all of sixteen years old again, shy and nervous and Daryl looks scared and uncertain. And somehow that is kind of perfect. Because if they had had this all those years ago it would have been just as awkward and scary as it is right now.

 

The stuff she’s done, the other guys she’s been with, those experiences only give her a general idea of the mechanics of it all. And to be honest there aren’t many. She said she wasn’t a virgin, and that’s the truth. She knows that this time will be different. This time will matter in a way none of the others did. Maybe it will be the same for him. She hopes it will. This is the one she’s been waiting for, he’s the one. This with him will mean everything that it’s supposed to mean. And she's been waiting forever.

 

She glances over at him, his head is down and he’s just staring at his hands that are folded in his lap. She laughs a little, a quiet, nervous, little laugh that makes her feel incredibly stupid. His head immediately jerks in her direction.

 

“Whas’ so funny?” He’s glaring at her, but she can tell he’s nervous too, she can hear it in the way his voice quavers. The sun’s moved a little since they climbed the ladder and it’s casting purple shadows on the wall of the loft. They dance across his face and she wants to say something to put him at ease.

 

“It’s just- I feel like this really is my first time. Like I’m nervous. Kinda silly.” It hurts just a little too. All these feelings.

 

“Me too Beth, don’t feel like I deserve this.” His hand is shaking the tiniest bit as he reaches over and takes hers, laces their fingers together and just holds on. 

 

“Daryl we don’t have too, I mean we have time if you wanna-” She doesn’t want to wait, doesn’t want to stop where this is going. She knew what she wanted when she took his hand and led him to the barn. But she’ll wait, for him, if he needs her too. The hand that isn’t holding on to hers for what feels like dear life, brushes her cheek, fingers find their way to her shoulder, trace the curve of her collarbone so softly it makes her shiver.

 

“Hell no! I want ya, Beth, god, I fuckin want ya so bad I don’t know what ta do, where ta start..” His finger rests in the hollow of her neck.

 

When you finally get the one thing you’ve wanted forever, waited forever to have, figured you’d never have... When it’s finally within your grasp, what the hell do you do with that? Beth thinks that this is how they’re both feeling right now, but he wants her and she wants him. So.

 

“How about you kiss me,” she whispers, “just kiss me, Daryl.”

 

~

 

Hand cradling her head, he’s leaning her back, laying them both down onto that quilt where the sun has decided to focus all of its light. Beth’s fist is knotted in his shirt and he tangles his hand in her hair, the braid weaving in and out of his fingers. She’s warm and so sweet and their kisses are gentle at first, but quickly escalate into a frenzy. He licks into her mouth, tongue searching and she sucks his bottom lip between her teeth, tugging gently and making him moan deep in his throat. She’s hot beneath his hands and he drapes himself over her so she can feel him against her hip, feel what she’s doing to him. He’s so hard, cock straining against his jeans and she’s squirming beneath him, mewling like a kitten. She arches her back and grinds her hips up against his hardness, ankle around his calf for leverage and it takes his breath away because this, this right here is what made him run all those years ago, that she could do this to him, make him want her.

 

But he can. 

 

“Jesus Beth..” He’s having trouble remembering to breathe because she’s let go of him and she’s struggling with her tank top, trying to pull it over her head and still keep her legs wrapped around him. He sits back on his knees and pulls her up with him and he helps her pull her shirt over her head. Grabbing the collar of his own shirt, he yanks it off. She raises to her knees and reaches behind her back and then her bra is falling in the hay with their shirts. He sees the rise and fall of her chest and the color high on her cheeks. Reaching out she uses his shoulder for leverage as she raises up from her knees. He hauls in a breath then and tenses up as her hands find the buttons on her cut off jeans. They slide easily over her hips and knees, followed by soft lavender panties and she’s standing in front of him where he kneels in the hay, her skin like ivory in the slanting sunlight, hands modestly covering herself. It takes his breath away. She's here in front of him like a gift, like a wish that he's been granted. He runs his hands up the backs of her thighs, over the curves of her ass and rests them on the small of her, back urging her forward, closer to him. He brushes a kiss just above her belly button and raises his face to look up at her.

 

“Don’ cover yerself, yer fuckin beautiful Beth.” A soft hand brushes back the hair from his face and she smiles one of those smiles that he remembers from the field and the table at Sunday dinners. All Beth, blue eyes and sunshine. Standing up, he reaches behind her head loosening the band that holds her hair.

 

“I wanna see you too Daryl.” She’s got a finger in his belt loop and her eyes never leave his hands as they work the buttons on his jeans. Before he pushes them down over his hips he leans in and kisses her sucking her lip into his mouth, running his tongue over it, successfully throwing her off balance just enough so that she has to wrap her arms around his neck, then she can’t watch him undress because he’s done this before, but not with her and he’s so fucking self-conscious right now. Then his jeans are off and he’s holding her against him, his hard cock trapped between their bodies, trapped against her, and this alone could make him come if he thinks about it too hard.

 

“Hey... no fair. You got to watch me, you got... oh Daryl that..” She’s breathing fast, rapid little breaths because he has one breast cupped in his hand and he’s running his thumb back and forth over a hard nipple. His mouth is on the other sucking it gently and he's trying his best to calm his nerves, convince himself this isn’t all a dream he’s gonna wake up from.

 

~

 

“Lay back down.” Daryl’s mouth is against her ear and she shivers at the huskiness in his voice and what his hand and mouth were just doing to her body. The air is cool on her wet skin, her nipples are hard and the skin around the areola is puckered, pulled taut. As she lowers herself down onto the quilt he starts to follow, but she presses a hand against his thigh, now it’s her turn.

 

“Wait, Daryl, just wait.” He stops and stands before her and it makes her ache, him there like this. He’s beautiful. Not that he’d believe it if she said so. 

 

His body is marked with scars, but it’s solid and strong. Beth can see the definition of his muscles underneath his skin that’s so dark next to hers. Fading tattoos and sparse amounts of hair sprinkled on his chest, his legs, around his cock that juts out from between his legs, hard and dark purple with desire for her. Precome glistens on the head, her own desire is slick between her legs and it’s never been like this before, she’s so wet, no other man has done this to her. Ever. At his sides, Daryl’s hands are opening and closing, balling into fists. She can sense his anxiety. Unlike her, his vulnerability isn’t as obvious, she covered herself with her hands, tried to hide parts of herself. But unless he closes them, one look in his eyes and she can see everything, she can read him. The way he says her name, it’s almost like a plea, begging her to let him go.

 

“Beth,” his voice, even though it’s gruff is somehow soft. He takes the hand she’s holding out to him and lowers himself down beside her. This is a safe place. For them both. Her hand is so small on his chest, tracing the subtle ridges of his abs and down even further until her slender fingers find his hardness, his breath hitches and he moans so softly it’s barely there, but it is there and what she’s doing, it’s drawing those sounds out of him and it thrills and mystifies her. Reaching out, he takes her wrist, stills her hand. It’s too much. His body is tense under her hand and she knows if he was touching her, if he slipped his fingers between her legs, just the thought alone is enough to make her gasp and she’s on her knees, arms around his neck pulling him down, onto the quilt in the hay, the warmth of the sun and her body until he’s hovering over her, hands on either side of her head, biceps straining. She can feel his cock, heavy between his legs, bumping against her pussy and she raises her hips a little craving contact.

 

“Make love to me Daryl, I wanna feel you inside me, I need..” What does she need? He’s moving down her body, the scruff on his cheeks rubbing the soft skin of her belly, hands under her hips lifting her just so and warm breath that threatens to push her over the edge because she knows what he’s gonna do, where his mouth is going.

 

“ ‘M gonna, jus’ lemme, fuck Beth I wanna do this first, I wanna taste you, make you come.” Even if she could form words, which she can’t, she can barely even breathe, she wouldn’t say anything, just nod like she’s doing now because suddenly all that matters is that he leans in and puts his mouth on her.

 

~

 

Daryl lets himself drown in her, the feel of her on his lips, his tongue, the taste, and smell, it’s all new, it’s all her and he’s been waiting forever to know this part of her. Her hands are in his hair and she’s tugging gently, whispering his name over and over like a mantra. And he’s here between her legs, his fingers stroking along with his tongue. He pushes one finger inside of her, hoping to get a reaction and he isn’t disappointed.

 

“Daryl..” she shudders and gasps thrusts her hips up and her muscles clench around his finger and he growls into her. Into the warmth and wet and all he can think about is burying his cock inside of her and how good it’s going to feel. 

 

But first, he’s gonna make her come.

 

He opens her up with his other hand, spreads her gently, sucks softly and her clit is so swollen and she’s shaking and then she’s coming undone. Because of him. It’s beautiful, she’s beautiful. He presses kisses to her inner thigh and crawls up and over her. Her eyes are closed and she’s got this delirious smile on her face and it makes him laugh out loud.

 

“Ya like that?” He feels kind of stupid asking her that, but the words are already out there, he can’t take them back.

 

“Oh my god, yes.” Her hands are in his hair again, brushing it back from his face where it’s sticking to his skin. Her skin is sparkling with a light sheen of sweat, the same sweat that’s dripping off of him and he’s sure it doesn’t look as good on him as it does her.

 

“Had ta have had that done to ya before?” He cups a breast squeezes firmly not sure if he wants to know the answer.

 

“Well yeah, but it never ended quite like that.” Okay, that’s not so bad. He leans down and kisses her and he’s aware of the fact that she’s tasting herself on his lips and that does something for him, reminds him of where he wants to be, where he wants his cock to be.

 

“I want ya girl.” He rolls his hips against her, whispers this against her cheek. Sitting back on his knees, he reaches for his jeans and digs in the pocket. She props herself up on her elbows, hair a mess of tangles around her face.

 

“What’re you... Oh.” He has the small, square packet in his hand. His eyes flick to her, gauging her reaction. “You been carrying that around?” She’s teasing him, but he can take it. What he can’t take is her naked beneath him and him sitting here holding a condom in his hands. It needs to be on him. And he needs to be inside of her.

 

“Uh huh.” He tears it open and awkwardly tosses the empty wrapper aside.

 

“Thought you just might get lucky?” Her blue eyes are sparkling now. And they’re focused on his cock as he slides the condom on.

 

“I was fucking praying I would Beth.” His voice is low and gravely and filled with want. Cause he wants her so bad. He’s been with women, enjoyed it even. But this, this is Beth and this is what he’s wanted for what feels like forever. Before he can lay back down with her she’s up and in his lap. Straddling his lap to be exact. They aren’t even on the blanket anymore and he can feel the hay pricking his knees, but he doesn't even care.

 

“Like this Daryl, right here like this.” Breathy directions, but she’s got this, got him. He holds onto her hips while she guides him, small hand on his cock. She sinks down on him and he holds her there, hands on her thighs. Still. 

 

“Love you Beth..I love... fuck.” She’s rocking against him, arms around his neck and he can feel her hard nipples graze his chest everytime she leans in, takes him in deep.

 

“I love you too Daryl, love you forever.” They don’t last like that for long, him on his knees and her riding him. She leans back, pulls him with her, onto the quilt. Her legs find their place around his waist and he’s trying to be gentle, but its impossible. He can’t get enough, can’t go slow.

 

“Beth..” he’s whining, actually fucking whining and she gets it. She wants it too.

 

“Just fuck me, Daryl, come on..” He buries his face in the sweet softness of her neck thrusts hard and fast.

 

~

 

Beth had, over the years tried to imagine what this moment with Daryl, would be like if it happened. It always hurt to think in terms of ‘if’, but she tried to be honest with herself. She never quite gave up hoping though. 

 

~

 

_ ‘One day you’re gonna fall in love with me, Daryl.’ They were sitting on a picnic table outside The Varsity eating fries and milkshakes. He’d picked her up from school like he had been for the past month. He’d get her fries and then drop her off at the hospital where her momma was having her chemotherapy treatment. _

 

_ ‘Keep on hoping kid.’ He tried to sound ornery and disinterested, but Beth saw how the tips of Daryl's ears turned pink when she said that. He loved her. Not in a creepy way. Cause she was still a kid, but one day, one day she just knew he’d love her like she wanted him to. _

 

_ ‘If you don’t have hope, what’s the point of living? I got plenty. Don’t need it though.’ She popped a milkshake covered fry into her mouth and giggled at Daryl’s expression. _

 

_ ‘Yer digustin’ I ain’t never gonna love ya.’ He smirked at her and she giggled and when she got home later that day she plucked a dandelion from the grass beside the front steps, blew gently and scattered its delicate seeds into the wind. While Daryl smoked a cigarette on the porch with Shawn and pretended not to notice. _

 

~

 

The reality is better than anything she’d tried to imagine. Because Daryl is here and he loves her and he’s currently doing everything he possibly can to push her over the edge again. His body under her hands is hard and hot and she wants to make him feel as incredible as he’s making her feel.

 

“Daryl.. slow down, just stop for a minute.” He does and he looks so confused she runs a hand up his chest and cups his cheek. “It’s okay... it’s good, it’s so, I wanna be on top, I want to for you, so..” She’s a little tongue-tied and nervous, but he flips them over so fast and his smile is huge and his face is flushed and she knows that this was a good choice. 

 

Somehow he’s managed to keep his cock inside her and once he’s on his back she starts grinding against him, leans over with a hand on either side of his head, licks his lips softly with the tip of her tongue.

 

“Now I’m gonna make you come,” she whispers. He bucks up into her and all her nerve endings are alive and dancing and she can feel him all the way up inside her.

 

“Keep talking like that and I ain’t gonna last.” That’s all the encouragement she needs pushing down on him, rolling her hips, moaning when he gets his hands on her tits, fingers pinching her nipples.

 

“Come for me, Daryl. I want you to..” He groans and pulls her against his chest, body tense underneath her as his orgasm rolls through him. Sliding a hand between them she only needs to use her fingers, circle her clit a couple of times and she’s following right behind him. Even before they’ve come down from the high he rolls her on her side and tilts her chin up so he can kiss her mouth and her cheeks, even her nose.

 

“Oh my god girl! I didn’t know, didn’t know it could be like this. It could be..” He has tears in his eyes, on his face and she can feel them on her too. 

 

“It was always gonna be like this Daryl.” It was. It really was.

 

**Epilogue**

 

“Sterling! Bryce! Get over her right now!” Daryl chuckles watching Beth, hands on her hips hollering at their unruly daughters. Glancing over her shoulder she raises an eyebrow and he does his best to make his expression neutral. Obviously, he fails. “What the hell are you laughing at? They aren’t listening at all!” Her blue eyes flash and he fights the urge to grab her and kiss her right there. 

 

“Hell Beth, they’re Dixons! And female and four years old. They’ve been waiting to come home for weeks now.” That one word, home, is what gets her. Her eyes fill with tears and his hands are on her shoulders and he’s pulling her in, tucking her under his chin, up against his chest where’s she’s always felt safe. “Always been home, ain’t it girl?”

 

She’s nodding warm breath on his skin. Now it’s home for good. A year ago her daddy joined her mama and Shawn under the old oak tree. And Daryl, knowing that this was what Beth wanted, took his family back to the farm and the house Beth grew up in. They would continue to fill it with laughter and tears, good days and bad ones. And life. Just life.

 

Two little girls as different as night and day come screeching from the direction of the barn. Blonde and brunette, curls wild in the warm evening air. Cowboy boots and bare feet, sundress and jean overalls, right before they reach their momma and daddy they clasp hands and giggle at some secret only they share.

 

“Papa’s house is our house now! Ain’t it daddy, we got us a farm! Can I git a puppy now?”

 

“Daddy I want a horse, a big white horse and I’ma call her princess and-”

 

“Slow yer roll girls. Momma gits the first horse. And chickens and some of them black and white cows too if she wants ‘em.” He glances down at where she’s still pressed against his chest.

 

~

 

She’s crying and laughing and getting him all wet and snotty, but he’s filling her heart with so many things it’s overflowing from her face. Pushing away from him Beth takes off running, laughing over her shoulder and it isn’t but a second later he’s right behind her chasing her then circling around and grabbing her, tumbling them down into the tall grass, his face in her hair and her lips on his neck. The laughter of two little girls ringing through the air. After all this time their hearts are right back at the beginning. Life doesn’t guarantee a happily ever after, but they’re coming pretty close.

 

_ ~fin _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it is.. I never say happily ever after because that’s way too much pressure, but it was good and they’re together and even though he grunts and growls a lot, Beth loves Daryl and he would carry the world around on his shoulders for her, and that’s definitely a serious piggyback. Thank you for reading and commenting. It means so much!

**Author's Note:**

> A/N And yes it is just the beginning.. The second half of this story is in the works and is coming soon so stay tuned! Again thank you for reading and favoriting my fics and sharing your reviews! That makes it so much better, I’m doing something I love and others are enjoying it too! :)


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